I met this bird last night who was a right ugly f*cker, I said "What"s your name?" "Tuesday" she replied.I said, "that"s a strange name." She said, "yeah, when I was born my mum and dad looked in the cot and said, "I think we"d better call it a day.""
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny ."Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, f*cking beautiful!""
So lucky I saw his stick, a blind man in camoflage gear out walking, I nearly bumped into him! please log in to view this image
Think I drunk too much last night. I've just thrown up in the toilet. please log in to view this image
"Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough." Not the best thing to sing outside an impotent support group.
A koala bear wandered into a whorehouse and found a sleeping prostitute. The bear crawled up on her and started licking her privates. The woman woke up and was a little freaked out to see a bear licking her, but she decided it felt pretty good and she let the bear continue. The koala kept going and eventually mounted the prostitute, has a great old time, and then walked toward the door. The prostitute got up and shouted at the bear, "Hey, you have to pay for that!" The koala shrugged. "No, you don"t understand." she said to the bear, "I"m a pro-sti-tute. PRO-STI-TUTE. I get paid for having sex!" The koala stared blankly. "Look, right here." The prostitute grabbed a dictionary and showed the koala the definition. "Says right here, "Prostitute: One who is paid for sexual services." The koala looked at the book, then flipped the pages back to "Koala" and showed her the definition:" Australian marsupial that eats shoots and leaves."
Avoid your body being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britains obesity problem, by always wearing a T-shirt with "All newsreaders are c*nts " written on it .
They"ve invented a new condom that cures premature ejaculation. It"s coated on the inside with anaesthtetic. The big advantage is that you can turn them inside out and have her up the wrong "un and not have to wake her up and listen to her complaining.
I went to a fancy dress party the other week, wearing only a pair of Y-fronts. A woman at the party said to me, "this is a fancy dress party, what are you supposed to be?" "A premature ejaculation," I said. "What do you mean?" replied the woman. "I"ve come in my pants," I said.
As chairman of the Blind Society, I've been accused of needlessly wasting money. So I've arranged a fireworks display to cheer everyone up.
It's Good Friday this week and our thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross. Happy Easter Andy Carroll.
A chap was sitting at a bar chatting to the landlord and said that he could identify a timber by its smell and feel. The landlord said, “No way” and after much discussion said to the punter, “OK, if you can do it, I’ll give you free beer for life”. The punter took up the challenge and he was duly blindfolded. He was taken to the landlord’s flat and at the first bit of timber, he correctly identified it as a mahogany table. At the next piece, he said that it was a pine dresser and the next, he said it was an oak bed frame and the next he said it was a willow cricket bat. By this time, the landlord was getting slightly worried that he might lose his bet and so returned to the bar, where he gave the barmaid a pencil and whispered something to her. She blushed and disappeared to the toilet, returning a couple of minutes later. The punter was duly given a piece of timber and he was obviously flummoxed, as he took quite a while before declaring – “I’ve got it” he says, “It’s the bog door off a Grimsby trawler!!!”
Two gays are on the beach. One says: "Shall I put the brolly up?" The other one replies: "Yes, but don"t open it for f*cks sake!"
