Off Topic Jokes thread

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You are driving at a constant speed: on your left is a sheer drop, on your right is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and travelling at the same speed as you.
Behind you is a helicopter travelling at ground level and travelling at the same speed as you.
What do you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get the f*ck off the kiddies merry-go-round, your pissed you twat!!!
 
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A couple of Jehovah's witnesses just knocked on my door.

I asked, "Is it true you people don't believe in blood transfusions?"

One of them said, "That's correct sir."

I said, "That's a shame."

The other one said, "Why do you say that?"

I said, "Because if you bang on my door again at 8.30am on a Sunday morning you're both going to need one."
 
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I tried to enrol my son at a Catholic school for next term.
The headmaster told me I could do so only on the condition I take my son to church every week.
I told him, "No way, I may as well take him to Michael Jackson"s house, at least he"s got a rollercoaster."
 
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A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"
"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"
"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what"s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"
"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"
"Mr. Brown, that"s interesting, but what"s the point?"
"Lady, the point is this: if I"m playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn"t you go mad, too?"
 
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I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says: “Mate I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. She wants sex before breakfast, sex before I go to work, when I come home she’s tearing my shirt off as I come through the door.
She’s got her hands down my pants after dinner. She even joins me in the shower almost every night. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow in his 50’s sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years said,
"Marry her. That'll put a stop to all that ****!"
 
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