Off Topic Jokes thread

I want to live my next life backwards :You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.You work 40 years until you"re too young to work.
You get ready for High School : drink alcohol, party, and you"re generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in Spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.I rest my case.

 

What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull out the pin and throw it back.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like fcuk she has a grenade in her hand.

 

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we"re one short."

 

One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night.
She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa.
I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I"m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker"
"Really" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."

 

I had a knock at my door earlier, it was a policeman...
"Mr Cook?""Yes," I replied."I"m afraid your dog has just been reported to have chased someone on a bike."
I said, "That"s bullshit, "cause my dog doesn"t have a bike!"

 

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper.
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton is married to a guy from Liverpool.
My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes.
I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape and murder in 1994, the other is currently being held in Wandsworth on charges of gross indecency in a public place.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.
We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancé utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets, and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with her.
Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

 

Seen on a menu in Scotland
Vegetarian Option - Fcuk off!!!!

 

GOLF TERMS EXPLAINED
Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Dennis Wise - a nasty 5 footer
An Elton John - a big bender that lips the rim
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the
Glen Miller - kept low and didn"t make it over the water
An Arthur Scargill - a great strike but a poor result
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O.J. Simpson - got away with
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn"t have taken a driver
Douglas Bader - looked good in the air, but didn"t have the legs
An Arsene Wenger - everyone saw where it went but you
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
A condom - safe but didn"t feel real
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you"re not expecting it
A Ryanair - flies well but lands a long way from the target
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn"t be

 

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room

 

The anticipation leading up to me is overwhelming.
Although i only last less than a few seconds, amidst all the moans and groans, i bring immense pleasure to millions of people around the world.
What am i?
A John Terry penalty..

 

A man is driving rather erratically down a road.
A police officer stops him.
The officer says,"would you mind blowing into this breathaliser for me please, sir?"
The man says, "I"m asthmatic, I can"t do that."
"Okay then," he says, "how about a blood sample?""I suffer from haemophilia," he said, "I could bleed to death."
"Okay," said the officer, rather pissed off, "step out of the car and walk across this white line."
"I can"t do that."
"Why not?" said the officer.
The man replies, "because I"m pissed."

 

"I"m going to the doctor," says Mary.
"Why, what"s wrong?" asks her best friend Sara.
"I want to ask him how many calories there really are in sperm."Sara says,
"why worry? If you"re swallowing that much, no man is going to care if you`re a bit chubby"