Off Topic Jokes thread

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My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.
It didn't start well when the coach we where travelling on broke down a few miles east of the capital.
We were stranded in a third world dump with streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us; the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress as all other women had head to toe burqas.
We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.
Just then, Dave the organiser, suddenly remembered that Bethnal Green had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey.
 
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A clergyman was staying overnight in a hotel.
Before he went to sleep for the night, he had a read of the Bible.
He was awoken next morning by the maid, with a cup of tea.He said to the maid, "fancy a quick shag my dear?"
The maid said, "but you"re a man of the cloth, that can"t be right!"
He said, "it"s all right dear, it says so in the Bible!"She hopped into bed with the reverend gentleman and they did a bit of horizontal jogging.
When it was over, the maid got out of the bed and said, "I"d like you to show me the passage in the Bible, where it says it"s alright".
The vicar opened the bedside table drawer, took out the Gideon s Bible and opened the cover.
Someone had written in there, "ask the maid if she fancies a shag, she usually does!"
 
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn"t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I"m a defective parrot.""WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!
""I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can"t see it because of my feathers.""Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can"t you!?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I"m especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I"d be a great companion." The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can"t afford that.""Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I"m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don"t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he"s interesting, he"s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he"s insightful.The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don"t know if I should tell you this or not, but it"s about your wife and the postman.""What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately.""WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot."My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?""Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . .""WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
 
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
"It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked,
"Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No... Salty."
 
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Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint.
Blonde Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:
"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."
"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."
"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."
The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence....!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."
 
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