Off Topic Jokes thread

Me and a mate were standing in a club.

As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it."

She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it."

She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.

 

What`s the difference between a Remainer and a Puppy ?

Eventually the puppy stops whining !

 

I read that if you masturbate with a dead arm it increases the experience by 50%, so I tried it.

Absolutely mind blowing but it ruined my Gran's funeral.

 

You won't see me taking the piss out of midgets.

I'm bigger than that.

 

I phoned Radio Merseyside today, to enter their mystery prize competition.
The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize"..
"That Fantastic!" I called out in delight.
"Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question."
"Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years"
"Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Liverpool game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?"

"7", I replied.

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

 

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.
Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”
So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.
Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”
“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.
“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”

 

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Benjamin Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in
water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would
have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria
found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum,
whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification
process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water
and be full of sh*t.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as
a public service ..

 

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."