A man is stranded in the desert and has not eaten or drunk anything for nearly 36 hours. He is about to die. Amazingly, as he stumbles through the sand, he comes to three market stalls. The man (half-thinking he must be hallucinating) approaches the first stall and demands, "I need water, sell me some water." "Sorry, Sir," replies the stall owner, "I only sell custard." The man, visibly taken aback, goes up to the second stall and again asks for water."I"m afraid I only sell sponge cake and cream," replies the second stall owner. The man turns in disbelief to the final stall and begs, "please, I need water now or I"ll die." "Sorry Sir, I only sell hundreds and thousands," replies the final stall owner. His fatigue momentarily forgotten the man demands, "You mean to tell me that the three of you all own market stalls in the middle of the desert and none of you sell water?" "I know, Sir," says the first stall owner, "it"s a trifle bazaar."
Me and a mate were standing in a club. As a group of girls walked past I looked at one and said to my mate, "She'd get it." She stopped and said, "How rude, you'll never get it." She looked quite smug and rather pleased with herself until I told her we were discussing people who would be eligible for disability allowance.
I read that if you masturbate with a dead arm it increases the experience by 50%, so I tried it. Absolutely mind blowing but it ruined my Gran's funeral.
If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what do you put on a thick prick? A Man United shirt.
I was walking down a street in Brixton late last night, when suddenly I saw another bloke bashing two dustbin lids together. "What are you doing mate?" I asked. "Oh, I"m calling my dog," he replied. So I said, "why don"t you shout his name then?" "Bollocks to that, if you think I"m going to shout "Blackie" around here at this time of night..."
In response to the Labour party logo change, as told in this lovely passage.... "The Labour party have decided to change their party logo from a rose, to a condom because they feel it more accurately reflects their policies. This is because a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a good sense of security whilst you"re being fcuked.".... The Conservatives have also decided to change their logo to a condom, but one with a pin through it. This symbolises all the same attributes as the new Labour logo with the exception that it doesn"t actually work.
I phoned Radio Merseyside today, to enter their mystery prize competition. The presenter answered and said, "Congratulations on being our first caller, all you need to do is answer the following question correctly, to win our Mystery Grand Star Prize".. "That Fantastic!" I called out in delight. "Feel Confident?" The presenter asked, "It's a Maths Question." "Well, I've got a degree in Mathematics from Oxford University," I proudly replied, "and I've taught maths to A level students for the last 20 years" "Ok then, to win our grand prize of 2 tickets to a Liverpool game and to meet the players after the game, what is 2+2 ?" "7", I replied.
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Me and my wife are driving along the Motorway doing 55 mph. She looks over at me and says, "I know we"ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce." I say nothing but slowly increase the speed to 60 mph. She then says, "I don"t want you to try to talk me out of it, I"ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he"s a much better lover than you." Again I stay quiet and just speed up as my anger increases. She says, "I want the house." I speed up again, and I"m now doing 70 mph. She says, "I want the kids, too." I just keep driving faster and faster, now up to 80mph. She says, "I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards too." I slowly start to veer toward a concrete bridge pillar as she enquires, "Is there anything you want?" So I respond with, "no thanks, I"ve got everything I need." She asks, "what"s that then?" Just before we hit the wall at 90 mph I say, "I"ve got the airbag."
I got called to court as a witness last week. The judge looked at me and asked "Do you swear to tell the truth?" "Only when I lose my temper" I replied. I was released this morning.
Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.” So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.” The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.” “What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician. “Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't. As Benjamin Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of sh*t. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service ..
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also." The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you. The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."
All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon.
For Dads there is Fathers Day, For mothers there is Mothers Day, For Lovers there is Valentines Day And for W*nkers there is Palm Sunday
I"m sure that, like me, you are very proud of our Olympic cycling gold medal winners. Truly, they are sporting heroes who have done wonders for British sport. I can"t wait for them to return home, when they will once again become w*nkers in Spandex who clog up the roads and get in the way of cars.
