Off Topic Jokes thread

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A 3 month pregnant woman falls into a coma. 6 months after she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor said don't worry , you had twins , a boy and a girl. Your brother named them for you.

She said oh no , not my brother, he's an idiot. What did he name the girl ?

Doc said" Denise". Oh that's not bad she said, what did he name the boy? Doc said "de nephew".
 
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The Health Secretary is visiting a Glasgow hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness.
He greets one, who replies, "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, great chieftain o the puddin race, aboon them a ye take yer place, painch, tripe or thairm, as langs my airm."

The Health Secretary is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat an we can eat, so let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, he moves on to the next patient,who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, thou needna start awa sae hastie, wi bickering brattle"

Now seriously troubled, the Health Secretary turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

"No" replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."
 
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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.
Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don"t want them fcuking your mother after I"m gone!"
 
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WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7." - David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." - Mark Viduka

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." - Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." - Paul Gascoigne

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." - Mark Draper

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.” - Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough." -Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." - Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." - Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." - Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play. They had 11 internationals out there today." - Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." - Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet" - David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European" - Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." - Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." - Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." - Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." - Thierry Henry
 
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WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF HISTORY

1. MONICA LEWINSKI
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

WHY, YOU ASK?

You're going to love this!



1. MONICA IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST
 
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My old nan is getting a bit doddery.
I went to see her last week, and as soon as I walked in she said, "oh Arthur! Is it you?"
I said, "no, nan, grandad died 20 years ago. It"s me, bleary."
She carried on: "Oh Arthur, how I"ve missed you so!"
"Nan! Grandad is dead! I"m your grandson!"
"Come over here, so I can give you a kiss"
"I"m not him you daft bitch!"
"And then, bend me over the kitchen table and throw one into me, the way you used to when we were youngsters."
"...Oh Agnes, I"ve missed you so much!"
 
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I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my future wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was.

I gave her a wink and said, "Get that trolley here love! They're doing 3 crates of Stella for the price of 2."
 
A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced
with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament,
his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show,
and then let nature take its course" he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there".
The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the co-ed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing.
On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out:
"God, I sure would like to have a little pussy". "I would, too" the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"
 
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Little Johnny is in class, and the teacher is asking the children what their parents do for a living.
She asks a non-too-bright pupil what his father does, and he answers "he"s a sheet metal worker."
The teacher says "OK, can you spell that for me?""S-H-E-T...""No, that"s not quite right, try again.""S-H-I...""No, sorry, that"s not it either.
Go round the back of the blackboard and write it out with this chalk until it looks right."
The kid takes the chalk and dutifully walks around the blackboard and starts writing.
The teacher says, "Right, Johnny, what does your father do for a living?"
Johnny says, "he"s a bookie.""You mean a bookmaker. Can you spell that for me?"
"No, but I"ll give you two to one he writes sh*t on that blackboard"
 
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