Three disabled guys -a blind guy, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair- are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys were the only survivors. They waited patiently for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he has NEW LEGS! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be independent and insists the blind man goes first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and... lo and behold - he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited. He starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side and... lo and behold - NEW TYRES!
A motorcycle cop comes across two bikers. One biker has two fingers up the ass of the other. " What the hell are you doing?" asks the cop" My buddy here"s got some food stuck and is choking," says the one biker, "I"m trying to make him sick." "You"re meant to stick your fingers down his throat, not up his ass," replies the cop. The first biker says, "Yeah, I know, but you get better results if you stick them up his ass first..."
Little Johnny catches a glimpse of his pregnant mum in just her bra and pants. "Why is your tummy so large?" he asks. "Mummy has a baby growing in there" she replies. He thinks for a minute, then says "So what"s growing up your arse?"
Tom and Tim were having gay sex. "I"ve got AIDS" said Tom. "Oh fcuk," said Tim. "Only kidding," said Tom, "I just love the way you tightened your arse when I said it."
I'm not calling my wife fat but she woke me up at 3am this morning saying that she thought there were some burgers downstairs.
"I got fired today," I told my mate,"for downloading porn on the work computer and causing everything to crash." "That's a bit harsh", he replied. "They don't f*ck around at Air Traffic Control", I said.
A girl takes a dress into the dry cleaners and asks for it to be cleaned. The man, who is a little deaf, says, "come again?" The girl blushes and replies, "NO, IT"S YOGHURT this time."
A couple were having friends round for dinner and decided to go for a French evening, with snails etc. The man got the shopping list and volunteered to do the shopping, while his wife tidied up. On the way back from the shops he bumped into an old pal and they went for a pint or five. Half pissed and an hour and a half late, he staggers up to the garden gate. He quickly gets the bag of snails out, lines them up on the path and rings the bell. Before his wife can even think about moaning, the man looks at the snails and says..... "Come on you little fcukers, get a move on, we"re never going to get ready at this fcuking rate!"
A Glaswegian staggers home from the pub pissed one night, with three cans of paint. He immediately sets about painting the living-room red, blue and white. His wife eventually comes downstairs and says, "For fcuk"s sake, you think more of Rangers than you think of me!" He says, "Honey, I think more of fcuking Celtic than I do of you!"
I can only assume, for his sake, that whoever coined the phrase "it"s better to give than to receive" wasn"t talking about blow jobs.
A football fan in Manchester saw a Vicious dog attacking a pram. He ran over and fought the dog and killed it. A reporter from the Manchester Evening News says to him, "you're a hero and I can see the headlines now. United fan saves baby from dog!" The fan says, "I'm not a United fan." The reporter says, "Ok, City fan saves baby from dog attack!" The fan says, "actually, I support Liverpool." "Ok," said the reporter, "Bastard bindipper Murders family pet!"
Watching the coverage of the Tsunami washing inland in Japan, only one thought keeps running through my head. "Come on, all you whales and dolphins. You'll never get a better chance than this......."
George devoted his entire life to the small Greek village in which he lived and, at 93 and on his death-bed, was soon to die in. He motioned to his great grandson to whisper his final words.... "Stavros", he said faintly, "You know the only bridge that leads into our tiny village? Well I designed, funded and built it, but they don"t call me "George the Bridge Builder"" "You know the town hospital? I designed and built that too, but they don"t call me "George the Hospital Builder"". "And the only church in town.... I built that too, and they don"t call me "George the Church Builder", But you get caught fcuking just one goat......."
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb One, but it takes a whole emergency room to screw it back out!
A bloke was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a young lady playing up ahead of him and went over to her and said "Can you please help me, i don"t know what hole i"m on". She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 7; and you are on 6". He thanked her and carried on playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same woman and went over to her again "I"m sorry to bother you but i"m lost again, can you please tell me what hole i"m on. She told him "You are one hole behind me, i"m on 14; and you are on 13. Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went over to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and chatting he asked her what she did for a living. "I""m in sales". He replied "No kidding so am i, what do you sell?". She said its too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she"d tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".The bloke immediately fell to floor laughing his bollocks off. She said "You promised you wouldn"t laugh". He replied "I"m sorry, but i couldn"t fcuking help it. " I sell toilet paper,I"m still one hole behind you"
Brummie walks into a tailors. "Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s suit, please." The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?" Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please."
