My Mum used to say "You can"t have it both ways" Well, she"s changed her tune since I caught the Milkman giving her one up the arse.
The best engine in the world is the fanny. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with one finger & every 4 weeks does its own oil change. Its just a pity the management system is so fcukin temperamental.
I"m very proud of my Grandfather. He shot down two German planes. Admittedly that was in 1972 but you can never be too careful.
After an excellent Opening Ceremony, which included 2 million pounds worth of fireworks exploding over the stadium, China have put messages on state television asking the whereabouts of the French Olympic Squad who were last seen running in all directions.
After clearing out the loft yesterday I gave an old Casio keyboard to the local youth centre. Does this mean I'm an organ donor now?
Kids today! My lad said earlier, "Can we go to McDonald's?" I said, "You can if you can spell it." He replied, "F*ck it, can we go to KFC instead?"
Arsenal last won the league way back in 2004 and the song 'Crazy Frog' was No 1. 13 years on and he's still there.
My neighbour accused me of being a bad parent after listening to my baby son crying on the baby monitor for over an hour earlier. "Piss off," I said. "Loads of parents use baby monitors." "Yes they do," he replied. "But not in the fu*king pub!"
My wife got me to tie her to the bed last night. When I did, she said that I could do anything I wanted. So I had a shave and fcuked off down the pub.
A lady is eating breakfast out on her patio one morning, when she notices a massive gorilla climbing up her palm tree. This sight scares her so she runs inside her house. Trying to figure out what to do she grabs the yellow pages and looks it up. Sure enough right in the yellow pages is a big ad for gorilla extractors. She calls the number and the man on the other end of the line says he"ll be right over. When he shows up he explains to the lady that it is a pretty common problem and it should only take a few minutes. First he must get his equipment. So from his truck he grabs a stepladder, a shotgun, an eight foot pole, handcuffs and a dog. The lady exclaims, "What the hell is all that stuff for?"The gorilla extractor explains, "First I climb up on the stepladder and ram this here pole up the gorilla ass. This will cause the gorilla to fall from the tree at which point that mean ass dog will bite the gorilla in the balls. This temporarily paralyzes the gorilla. At which point I put the handcuffs on the gorilla and take him away. "The lady asks, "What"s the shotgun for?" The man answers, "If I fall off the ladder, you shoot the dog!"
Making News Tonight A Bottle-nosed dolphin captured off Tokyo last month has an extra set of fins that could be the remains of hind legs. Japanese Scientists described the find as a breakthrough; a delicious, delicious breakthrough.
My son's class is having a pyjamas day tomorrow. Great to see the education system is getting them ready for unemployment!
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did." Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
To find out which is the best law enforcement agency in the USA, the president sets a test for the CIA,the FBI and the LAPD. He releases a rabbit in a forest and challenges them to find it. The CIA goes in first and,after months of interviewing forest dwellers and conducting forensic tests,they deduce that the rabbit never existed. The FBI go in next and burn down half the forest claiming the rabbit had provoked them. The LAPD go in last and after half an hour drag out a badly beaten bear yelling "okay,okay! I"m a fcuking rabbit, I"m a fcuking rabbit!"
Which of the following doesn"t belong? 1)Wife 2)Meat, 3)Eggs, 4)Blow job A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but you just can"t beat a blow job.
Why are chavs like a vaginoplasty? They can spend a fortune on their appearance, but they"ll still end up just looking like a twat.
The first guy who persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses - he must have been a hell of a salesman.
Apparently Leicester City have signed Lenny Henry up as their new manager. It's the only chance they have of staying in The Premier.
