Off Topic Jokes thread

As a woman passes her daughter"s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: "What in the world are you doing?!"
The daughter replied: "Mom, I"m 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I"ll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"
The next day, the girl"s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing, The daughter replied:
"Dad, I"m 32 years old, unmarried, and this is about as close as I"ll ever get to a husband. So please go away and leave me alone!"
A couple of days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room?
She entered, and observed her husband sitting on the couch, sipping a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.The wife asked: "What are you doing?"
The husband replied: "I"m watching football with my son-in-law".

 

My wife can drink any man under the table.
Provided they wash their cocks first.

 

What"s the difference between a policeman with a speed gun and going down on a woman?
When you go down on a woman you can see the twat behind the bush.

 

A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I"ll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus can"t play."
A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie.
A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused.
The guy says "Ha! you can"t play it."
The octopus says, "play it? As soon as I get its pyjamas off, I"m gonna shag it."

 

A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover and decides to wind him up so he shouts over
"How"s the second-hand pussy?"
Quick as a flash, her lover replies
"Great! After the first three inches, its like brand new."

 

If women are so good at multi-tasking, why is my wife so against a threesome?

 

My younger brother"s really happy today - he"s leaving home to do an apprenticeship with Man Utd.
We"re gonna say he"s in prison for rape.

 

Drogba said that for him the turning point in the game was when his early penalty appeal was turned down after he dramatically threw himself to the ground.
The referee had a point though, as the anthems were still being played.

 

Quasimodo walks into a bar, strolls straight up to the barman and says "I"ll have a whiskey please."
The barman says "Bells alright?"
Quasi replies "Mind your own fcuking business."

 

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Depends how much you"ve been drinking.
Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK) Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Can you send me the Vienna Boys" Choir schedule? (USA) Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK) You are a British politician, right?
Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA) Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It"s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
It"s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy) Yes, gay night clubs.
I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour
Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Yes, but you"ll have to learn it first.

 

How do you know you"re really ugly?
Dogs close their eyes when they"re humping your leg.

 

Paddy took his chainsaw back into B&Q and says to the bloke in dungarees
"You told me this chainsaw would cut one hundred trees down in a day, well today its only cut fifty."
So the bloke gets the chainsaw and pulls the start up cord and it goes "brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr", and Paddy says
"What"s that fcukin" noise?"

 

Paddy says to Mick, "I hear that girl who played Pussy Galore in the Bond films has split her fanny open!"
Mick replies, "Honor Blackman?"
Paddy says, "No on a dildo!"