Off Topic Jokes thread
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I don"t usually watch these sort of programmes on TV, but today I thought I"d give it a go.
Basically, I"ve just sat for two hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.
They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.
And at the end of this brain numbing bullsh*t, I was still no closer to deciding who I should vote for....
Labour or Conservative?
Basically, I"ve just sat for two hours watching a house full of egotistical, fame-hungry, gay, bisexual, perverted, drunken and blind morons who are hopelessly out of touch with reality.
They spend all day lounging around the house without doing anything constructive, all the while talking mindless crap and shouting over one another to see who can grab the most attention of the viewing public.
And at the end of this brain numbing bullsh*t, I was still no closer to deciding who I should vote for....
Labour or Conservative?
God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!"
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said
"Fcuk me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said
"Fcuk me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
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There are a few recipients I can think of worth of this beauty..............
I used to transport large amounts of shallots between Liverpool and Manchester by canal.
I was an onion bargee.
I was an onion bargee.
Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and shouts "Oi, driver! You"re losing your load!"
Driver says "Fcuk off!"5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts " Oi, you"re losing your load!"
Driver again says "Fcuk off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy yells "I"m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"
Driver then shouts "Will you go away you thick Irish cnut, I"m gritting!"
Driver says "Fcuk off!"5 miles further along, Paddy again shouts " Oi, you"re losing your load!"
Driver again says "Fcuk off!"
5 miles further along, Paddy yells "I"m not joking! Honestly, you are losing your load!"
Driver then shouts "Will you go away you thick Irish cnut, I"m gritting!"
I bought a race horse and decided to call it "MY FACE".
Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!
Just imagine it running down the home straight with all the women shouting "COME ON MY FACE"!!
An elderly man is driving down the M1when his mobile rings.
Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end.
"Albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio that there`s a maniac on the M1.he`s driving the wrong way!"
"Its not just one" albert replies,"There`s fcuking hundreds of them!"
Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end.
"Albert",she says,"please be careful when you`re driving back.I just heard on the radio that there`s a maniac on the M1.he`s driving the wrong way!"
"Its not just one" albert replies,"There`s fcuking hundreds of them!"
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The early teenage years...............
A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by
ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading.
The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying.
The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was
dead his face would be on TV,
The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.
This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.
The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, “Because," said the trooper, "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack!!"
ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading.
The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out.
The politician ask to hear a rendering of keep the red flag flying.
The reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was
dead his face would be on TV,
The trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse.
This was carried out. As the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists.
The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun, “Because," said the trooper, "when we get back to the UK I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack!!"
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub. Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders. As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, "I'll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have sex with her and her response was, 'I don't know how you can make love to me with your type of body.' So I asked her, 'How about a little head?'"
One afternoon Paddy and Mick were having a pint at a pub across from a brothel.
For the craic, they sat in the front so they could watch the comings and goings across the street.
The two lads were shocked when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel."Begod," says Paddy, "that"s a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!"
A while later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel."Ah," says Mick, "wouldja lookit that! Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!"
More time passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel.
Both men sat up in their bar stools with concern.
Paddy turned to Mick and says in a whisper -
"Didja see that, Mick? One of them girls must be on the deathbed!"
For the craic, they sat in the front so they could watch the comings and goings across the street.
The two lads were shocked when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel."Begod," says Paddy, "that"s a shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!"
A while later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel."Ah," says Mick, "wouldja lookit that! Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!"
More time passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel.
Both men sat up in their bar stools with concern.
Paddy turned to Mick and says in a whisper -
"Didja see that, Mick? One of them girls must be on the deathbed!"
There was a church with nuns and monks living in it but they were not allowed to go near each other or speak to each other.
One day 4 monks went to have a shower and after they had stripped off they found there was no soap so one brave monk said that he would go and take some from the nuns quarters.
Off he went naked as the day he was born to get the soap.
He quickly found some soap but on the way back he heard some nuns coming back so he decided to act as a new statue and stood frozen
The nuns came round the corner and instantly noticed the figure stood on the hallway they giggled to each other and approached it.
One nun grabbed the monks penis and pulled and the monk droped 2 of his bars of soap the nun exclaimed "Oh, look its a soap dispenser"
Another nun approached the monk and the same happened
The third nun approached the monk and pulled she screamed "It dispenses hand cream aswell"
One day 4 monks went to have a shower and after they had stripped off they found there was no soap so one brave monk said that he would go and take some from the nuns quarters.
Off he went naked as the day he was born to get the soap.
He quickly found some soap but on the way back he heard some nuns coming back so he decided to act as a new statue and stood frozen
The nuns came round the corner and instantly noticed the figure stood on the hallway they giggled to each other and approached it.
One nun grabbed the monks penis and pulled and the monk droped 2 of his bars of soap the nun exclaimed "Oh, look its a soap dispenser"
Another nun approached the monk and the same happened
The third nun approached the monk and pulled she screamed "It dispenses hand cream aswell"
How do you stop a scouser from breaking into your house?
Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies
Put a sign up saying "Job Vacancies
You really do have to hand it to the French...
After all, they won"t fight for it.
After all, they won"t fight for it.