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Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9661
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2019
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  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    The Pope was having a shower, and although he’s very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air.
    “Hold on a minute!” said the Pope, “You can’t do that – you’ll destroy the reputation of the Church!”
    “This is my lottery win”, said the photographer, “I’ll be financially secure for the rest of my life with these photos!”
    So, the Pope offered to buy the camera from the photographer, and after much negotiation, they eventually settled on a figure of £2,000,000.
    The Pope clothed himself and headed off to destroy the images on the camera. Along the vast Vatican hallways, he bumped into his personal housekeeper. Being a bit of a photography buff, she noticed the camera and said, “That looks like a really expensive digital SLR camera, how much did it cost you?”
    Not being one to lie, the Pope replied, “Two million Pounds.”
    “TWO MILLION Pounds!” replied the housekeeper, “Wow! They must have seen you coming.
     
    #9662
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 23, 2019
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  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9663
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9664
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  5. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9665
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  6. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9666
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9667
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  8. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9668
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9669
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9670
    antipodean exile, Apr 24, 2019
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  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9671
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9672
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  13. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    Top tip..... Always drive in your dressing gown and slippers...

    If you cause a car crash, you can pose as a witness from a nearby house...
     
    #9673
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9674
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    #9675
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  16. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
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    I went for a job interview as a blacksmith.

    The boss said "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

    I said "No but I once told a donkey to f*ck off !
     
    #9676
    Wooperts_duck, Apr 24, 2019
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  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Amir Khan last night proved that Muslims don"t drink, when he failed to get a round in.
     
    #9677
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2019
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  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • Nothing worse than, after sex, looking down and seeing that limp used condom hanging off your dick...
    • Particularly when you weren"t wearing one when you started.
     
    #9678
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2019
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  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    • A man in a taxi cab taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
    • The driver screams bloody murder, loses control of the cab, and swerves onto the pavement before stopping just inches from a lamppost.
    • After checking to make sure the passenger is OK, the driver says "I"m sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!"
    • "Sorry. I didn"t realize a simple tap on the shoulder would freak you out so much," the passenger says.
    • "It"s not your fault," replies the cabbie.
    • "Today is my first day on the job after 25 years of driving a hearse."
     
    #9679
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2019
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  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

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    #9680
    antipodean exile, Apr 25, 2019
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