please log in to view this image After the announcement of Donald Trump's visit the Queen wasted no time in organising his transport from the airport............
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth. "I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either." " Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own." After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is “black" "Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black." "Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair." "Well, yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes." "Well, yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice." At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a smack on the asre. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank christ for that!" "What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked. "Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
A young boy walks into his mum"s bedroom as she is getting dressed. He points between her legs and says, "Mummy, what"s that between your legs?" Embarrassed, she thinks quickly and replies, "that"s where your dad hit me with his axe." To which the lad counters, "that was a good shot, he got you right in the twat!"
I had these two blokes knock on my door today so I kept them talking while my Girlfriend nicked their wallets. Lets see if fcuking Jehovah witnessed that.
A guy walks into a pub, gets a seat next to a really attractive MILF. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch. "She says "Date running late?" He says "Nope, i just got this state of the art watch and i was just testing it" She said "State of the art, what's so special about it?" He said, well it uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically" She says, "What's it telling you now?" He said , "Well it's telling me you ain't wearing any panties!" She laughs, "Well it must be broken, because i am" He taps the watch and says "S*it it's an hour fast!!!!"
