I like to start my day with a nice cuddle and a shag. Although I think he"d probably prefer a walk and a game of fetch.
Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he"s only got one arm. "Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted "I"m going to change a light bulb," he said. "That"s going to be awkward, isn"t it?" I asked. "No.....I"ve still got the receipt."
An Irish Road Accident.. Paddy phones an Ambulance because his mate's been hit by a Car. Paddy: 'Get an Ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.' Operator: 'What is your location sir?' Paddy: 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street ...' Operator: 'How do you spell that sir"..??? Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute. Operator: 'Are you there sir"..?? More heavy breathing and another minute later. Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me'..?? This goes on for another few minutes until.... Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me".?? Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street.
A young woman walks into a sex shop. She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks. “d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?” The cashier responds. “Yes we do” The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?” Once again the cashier responds “Yes we do” The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?”
A young man pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was very attractive for 57. They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome? He said no. They drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night. He went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, are you still awake?"
Jeremy Corbyn has refused to attend a Dinner with Donald Trump. Like a true Statesman, Trump has offered to attend Corbyn's funeral.......
