Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
- I like to start my day with a nice cuddle and a shag.
- Although I think he"d probably prefer a walk and a game of fetch.
- Saw my mate Jim yesterday, he"s only got one arm.
- "Where you off then, Jim?" I shouted
- "I"m going to change a light bulb," he said.
- "That"s going to be awkward, isn"t it?" I asked.
- "No.....I"ve still got the receipt."
- I just got a Charity appeal letter from the Alzheimer"s Society.
- Its the 43rd one this week.
An Irish Road Accident..
Paddy phones an Ambulance because his mate's been hit by a Car.
Paddy: 'Get an Ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street ...'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir"..???
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir"..??
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me'..??
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me".??
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street.
Paddy phones an Ambulance because his mate's been hit by a Car.
Paddy: 'Get an Ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'
Paddy: 'Outside number 28, Eucalyptus Street ...'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir"..???
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir"..??
More heavy breathing and another minute later.
Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me'..??
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me".??
Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell Eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3, Oak Street.
A young woman walks into a sex shop.
She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks.
“d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?”
The cashier responds. “Yes we do”
The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?”
Once again the cashier responds “Yes we do”
The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?”
She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks.
“d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?”
The cashier responds. “Yes we do”
The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?”
Once again the cashier responds “Yes we do”
The woman says “d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?”
A young man pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was very attractive for 57. They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?
He said no.
They drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night.
He went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum, are you still awake?"
She was very attractive for 57. They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she
asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?
He said no.
They drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night.
He went back to her place.
She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum, are you still awake?"
Jeremy Corbyn has refused to attend a Dinner with Donald Trump.
Like a true Statesman, Trump has offered to attend Corbyn's funeral.......
Like a true Statesman, Trump has offered to attend Corbyn's funeral.......
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