A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Just been to see the worst faith healer I've ever seen A bloke in a wheelchair even got up and walked out.........
please log in to view this image As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man. And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” Apparently, I’m still lost…
Wanna know secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmm all night? ................... ................... ................... Duct tape
please log in to view this image please log in to view this image please log in to view this image A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse"s rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can"t wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can"t wait to get on the road again..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student"s discovery. "But isn"t that the most amazing thing you"ve ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?", replied the examiner, "Any arsehole can sing country music."
I ran downstairs when I heard my gran screaming. She was kneeling on the floor clutching her chest. I thought she was having a heart attack or something. Turns out she was just kneeling on her tits.
A Chinese man is stood next to a lake skimming stones. Every time it skims, it makes a sound- "ching, chang, chong", "ping pang pong". A black guy walks up and asks, "what are you doing?" The Chinese man says that every time he skims a stone it sings out the name of his ancestors. The black man has a go and it goes "chim, pan, zee".
The person who coined the well known phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn"t tasted Somerfield"s own brand cheddar.
I met Elkie Brooks at Crufts and asked her if I could guess the name of her dog. "Yes", she said, "but you're a fool if you think it's Rover".
