Off Topic Jokes thread

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A Romanian, an Arab and a Yorkshire lass are in the same bar in Leeds.

> When the Romanian finishes his beer, he throws his glass into the air, pulls

> out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He then says "In Romania, our

> glass is so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice".


> The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcoholic beer, throws

> his glass in the air, pulls out his AK47 and shoots the glass to pieces. He

> shouts out, "In the Arab world, we have so much sand to make glass, we also don't have to drink

> with the same glass twice!"

> The Yorkshire lass, cool as a cucumber, downs her pint of Tetley's in one

> go, throws her glass into the air, whips out her shotgun and shoots the

> Romanian and the Arab.

> Catching her glass and setting it on the bar and calling for a refill says,

> "In Yorkshire we 'ave so many bloody illegal immigrants, we don't 'ave to

> drink wi' same ones twice!"

 

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she
asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she
had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "I didn't recognise you."

 

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I got really emotional in the Petrol station this morning.

I don’t know why but I just started filling up.....

 

I bumped into the ex wife yesterday.

I could have swerved but ....

 

Breaking news.....

Reports are coming in of a huge explosion in a baking powder factory.

Police are expecting casualties to rise......

 

My wife said that last night in bed I kept shouting out " My precious" and " The Orcs are coming ".

Yes, I was Tolkein in my sleep !