Off Topic Jokes thread

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

A final thought. Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

 

Three black men are in court in South Africa facing charges of murder.
The judge asks the prosecution for the evidence on the first man.
"We found a gun in his pocket, your honour."
"Okay," says the judge, "it's the the death sentence."
The prosecution then says, "On the second man, we also found a gun in his pocket."
The judge says, "He gets the death penalty as well."
The third black man steps forward.
The prosecution says, "We never found a gun, your honour, all we found was twenty-five pence in his pocket."
The judge says, "It's the death sentence again."
The prosecution says, "Are you sure, your honour?"
The judge replied, "Of course I'm sure; he was saving up for a f***ing gun."

 

Try saying 'halal meat' without sounding like a Geordie greeting someone

 

My girlfriend rang earlier & said 'do you fancy coming up my house later?'

I do love the Cockney accent.

 

My wife was absolutely livid when she caught me bending a horny young nurse over our brand new dining room table and giving to her passionately from behind.

It wasn't so much the infidelity that upset her, more the shock of finding out that I'm not really a cripple.

 

As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists, and in my case, a new urologist.

My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist.
I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I need to stop masturbating.

I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."

 

On a train from London to Manchester to watch the cricket, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that ?"
The Englishman replied,
"Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap...!!!!!"

 

As I sat in the living room my five year old shouted at me from the back door.
"I can't hear you if you're shouting from outside." I said.
Again, he shouted back.
"I told you, I can't hear you from there. It's rude to shout. If you want me to hear you, walk into the living room." I replied.
A few moments later my son appeared in the living room.

"Dad, I've got dog **** all over my shoes."

 

Just before shagging a Brazilian girl who'd singled me out in a bar, I asked her why, of all the other guys there, she'd chosen me.
"You were the only one in a England shirt," she explained.
"I wanted to make love to someone who came from the home of football."
"Well, we might have invented it," I replied, as I slipped her panties off,
"But we're crap at it now."

About 90 seconds later she asked, "Your lot didn't invent sex as well, by any chance?"

 

Paddy, the Irish labourer goes to his doctor,
"I'm constipated." he says.
The doctor examines him for a few minutes and says, "Lean over the table."
After he does so, the doctor whacks him on his arse with a baseball bat.
A loud "CRACK!" is heard, and the doctor sends Paddy to the toilet.
After coming out of the toilet, Paddy says, "I feel great! What should I do to prevent constipation in the future?"
The doctor says, "Stop wiping your arse with cement bags."