William and Kate said the wanted to give baby George 'the full Kiwi kid experience' while he was in New Zealand. So they've left him in the car while they spent the day at the pub.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me". So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men" says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander". Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir" answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful". So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Okay, men, fall in and listen up". "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward". "Not so fast, McGrath!"
AMENDMENT#93489321 (4TH EDITION) TO UK FORCES (IRAQ) SOPs: ACTIONS ON: IMPROVISED EXPLOSIVE DEVICE(IED) 1.Household Cavalry. Regard IED with haughty disdain and rustle Daily Telegraph angrily. Maintain presence of IED in Knightsbridge is 'absolutely preposterous'. Return to regimental main effort of defending Central London from the roundheads. 2. Cavalry. Declare IED as best thing since tinned champagne, hold impromptu Pimms party to celebrate. Declare subsequent IED detonation as even more 'wizard prang', extend Pimms party and incorporate mandatory drinking of champagne from remains of IED as regimental custom for next 300 years. 3.Footguards. Reduce words-of-command and halting in quick time to a minimum. Deploy No.1 fatigue party in close-order to polish IED to acceptable standard, followed by No.2 fatigue party to paint IED blue-red-blue and swab immediate area. IED detonated by massed bands. Deploy 2 X Battalions- worth of fatigue parties to swab resulting mess. 4.Armoured Infantry. Fail to see IED. Crush IED. On realising error, detract attention by initiating faked contact against nearest dwelling using all available weapon systems. Hide remains of IED in sidebin. 5.Light-Role Infantry. Find IED. Fail to find solution to IED due to environmental differences to Salisbury Plain. Attempt cordon operation and set a new world record for miles of mine tape used. Withdraw to COB under cover of mine tape. 6.Parachute Regt. Decide IED is a 'hat'. Deploy most junior paratrooper to 'crack the hat's skull'. Call the junior paratrooper a 'hat' when he gets blown up by IED. Remind all others that they are 'hats' because they weren't there. 7.Royal Marines. Declare that IED is 'hoofing'. Get junior men naked with IED as an initiation. Turn IED into an improvised free-weight for bench pressing. Indent for extra, extra supplementary rations from 'the galley'. Hoofing. 8.SAS. Deploy bearded men 200km behind IED using HALO-Landrover-Submarine insertion. Tab into area of IED and capture IED alive. Smuggle IED out in burka and extract to UK. Write a book per team member, all with hugely differing accounts of the OP. 9.SBS. Get into black rubber suits. Steal IED as above. Construct black rubber suit for IED. Move to a special swimming pool and do bad, bad things with black-rubber-coated-IED. Turn on wave machine and let things get properly nasty. Be very grateful for UKSF non-disclosure policy. 10. SRR. Dig hole in ground to hide in. Proceed to watch IED for ten days to make association to Bravos. Divert entire Brigades assets onto tasking. Manage to maintain dignity when informed three weeks later that it's a small rock and not an IED. 11.Royal Artillery. Level entire area ten square kilometres around IED. IED still functional. Repeatedly remind everyone that artillery neutralizes, it doesn't destroy. Create promotional video of IED neutralization with images of Apache and accompanying Tina Turner soundtrack. 12. Medical Corps. Send out a fit hottie to chat-up IED. Fit hottie lightly dabs a damp cloth over the IED to keep it cool and offers reassuring words. Ends up sleeping with IED before announcing undying love and marrying it. IED later detonates when it catches her in bed with an Irish Guards Private. 13. Chaplain Corp. Approach the IED preaching about The Lord, oblivious to having entered a come-on. Rounds from nearby insurgents pass over and around the Padre without harming him. IED attempts to detonate and fails as some mysterious force prevents it from engaging. IED is later found giving sermons to scared soldiers new into theatre. 14.Royal Engineers. Destroy IED using charge with 10-times explosive content of IED. Build SQN bar in crater. Use second massive charge to blow second crater in which to build & celebrate opening of SQN bar/gym complex with BBQs every night for the rest of tour. IED appears on next SQN t-shirt. 15.Royal Signals. IED self destructs to avoid WESTLANDS BOWMANISATION. 16. BFBS Radio DJs. Send shout-out on BFBS Radio 1 to IED wishing it good luck and playing 'I Will Survive'. IED detonates out of shame and embarrassment. 17. Royal Military Police. Issue IED with penalty fine of £1000 for loitering and not having FFD/Tourniquet/Morphine. IED detonates in anger and annoyance at the monkeys wasting its time. Surviving RMPs issue IED with penalty charge for littering. 18.Army Air Corps. Identify ideal opportunity to prove AAC has an offensive role and is not just a taxi service. Launch TOW missile at IED. Missile fails due to armaments contract being given to cheapest bidder. Accept that was the AAC's only missile and disband. 19.Intelligence Corps. Deny existence of IED to unit reporting IED, as they are not sufficiently cleared. Issue BGs with a list of int-based questions to ask IED. Study Q&A analysis and find two main results: A-Suggest IED may detonate having studied trend analysis of previous IEDs B-Claim it's part of a come-on involving 400 insurgents and Iranian heavy-armour, as that's what the guy who cleans the toilets told them. 20.Div/Bde Headquarters. Issue IED with a notification of controlled explosion. IED ignores/deletes message, as does the rest of theatre. 21. RLC. Get pictures taken whilst posing next to IED with another Units GPMG. IED detonates due to someone making a video call on their mobile phone. 22. RAF. Send the RFS out to investigate IED; fail to notice they never come back. RFS patrol later found upside down in a WMKII in a ditch, in Syria. Patrol Commander admits to being a 'bit unsure about his position', is informed his position is now 'Private' 23.Navy. Proclaim IED as a figment of the Armys imagination. Go on a Mediterranean cruise for 3 months. Come back to Middle East waters. Proclaim IED as a figment of the Armys imagination. (repeat indefinitely). Occasionally get taken hostage to relieve the monotony. 24. American Army. Send out a patrol in a hummer with Rhino deployed, then send out a Spectre gunship to destroy the nearest local village in retribution for when it all goes horribly, horribly wrong. 25. Australian Army. Threaten to withdraw entire countries assets from theatre as they heard a rumour there was an IED identified 50 miles south of their position. Demand hand-holding by other already over-stretched British units and then complain when we make them actively look for more IEDs. 26. Romanian Army. Confuse IED with their gibberish native tongue. Sign the IED onto their stores and attempt to make it part of their armaments supply due to under funding by a government that's abandoned them. 27 Danish Army. Arrive in theatre and promptly invite IED to their camp to join in their BBQ and Drinks sessions held every night. Eventually starve to death as they'd forgot how to open their camp gates on account of having never left. IED detonates to attract attention and help. 28. Iraq Army. Tip up five days after IED reported. Cordon area, remove IED. Corrupt elements of IA then move IED five hundred yards further along road and bury. Ensure MND(SE) that area is now clear. 29. Iraq Civilian. Dig up IED, take to nearest MND(SE) post and attempt to sell IED. Upon refusal, attempts to sell IED to MJAM. MJAM take IED and bury it at target area. Civilian digs up IED, takes to nearest MND(SE) post and attempts to sell IED. And so on. 30. UK Aid Worker. Show complete disregard for IED, fail to adhere to Foreign Office warnings on IED's, pay no attention to MND(SE) briefs on IED's and wonder what went wrong when their convoy gets destroyed by IED. 31. Security Contractor. Use innocent civilian children to test road ahead of patrol for IED's. When child finds IED, claim child is insurgent attempting a come-on and shoot child. And his family. And neighbours. 32. Private Contractor. Find themselves lured to Iraq by greed. Make more money in a week than some soldiers do in a month. Laugh at poorly paid soldiers being blown up by IEDs. Expect MND(SE) to help when they get blown up by IED. Wonder why they don't respond.
A young man couldn’t decide which girl to marry. He liked one girl called Sally, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend. “Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and usually the answer just comes to me.” The young man decided to try just that. He went to church, looked up to pray, and the answer was written in gold above a stained-glass window. It said: AVE MARIA
There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked." The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
Difference between Oo and oO Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court next Monday." On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do, son?" "Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, "This is your asshole BEFORE prison..........”
A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool. On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently. "What are you doing?" the priest asks. The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service." "Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car. The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says. "I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies. "Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.
I was speaking to a Canadian the other day and he said to me, "I've been here for a few months now, and I'm really enjoying it in the UK." I thought, "that's really nice," but then I remembered he's used to living with the French and next door to America.
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry" the man replies "he's not for sale". The stranger increases the offer to $250,000 cash up front. "No" he insists "he's not for sale". The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it". the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special.......... you see, the rat's a ventriloquist".
Took the wife out for a romantic meal. We played footsie under the table. I had steak, she got toed in the hole....
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? - I'M STARVING!!"
A guy goes to his pharmacy and asks for a pack of Viagra. "Do you have a prescription?" the pharmacist asks. "No, but here's a picture of my wife," he replied.
After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady walking the streets. Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred pounds and 50 pence. “That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 pence?” “Everybody!” replied the wife.
I was with my mate Dai eyeing up the local talent, 'What about her in the corner'? 'Nah, shagged her last night.' 'What about that one over there?' 'Shagged her yesterday morning.' 'Her walking past giving us the eye?' 'Nope, had her last Saturday.' God, I wish I was a shepherd..
The world's fattest person died yesterday. The Funeral will be on Monday, followed by the cremation on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?” “Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because of my 'unhealthy obsession' with The Monkees At first I thought she was joking. ......And the I saw her face..........
A Lorry full of chickens has overturned this morning on the M60. Police say they were travelling back from Anfield, where Liverpool FC had been counting them for the last 8-10 weeks.
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new f***ing boat," I thought to myself. Courtesy of Sickipedia.org: http://www.sickipedia.org/other/wordplay/as-i-slipped-my-finger-slowly-inside-her-hole-i-1646797#ixzz3gJouViGh
