Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now - and take your f****ing mates with you'
A parachutist has been knocked unconscious after landing on top of the London Eye. Police say he is coming round slowly
A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $200,000 dollars. A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money .... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
My wife was the last of five Scottish sisters to get married. The confetti at our wedding was filthy.
I was at a pub quiz in Glasgow last week and a question was "Who invented copper wire" Apparently Two Scotsmen fighting over a ha'penny was not the correct answer. The last of my teeth are due to be extracted from my arse tomorrow
One day, a father and his daughter are together. The father is putting the daughter to sleep. After the father leaves, he hears her saying her prayers. He hears her say "God bless mummy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa. The father hears all of this and barges back into the room. He asks her "Why did you say the last part?" The daughter replies "Because I needed to". The next day, grandpa dies. The father wonders is this just a coincidence... That night he tucks her daughter into bed. He leaves the room to only hear her prayers again. He hears "Bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma". The father now is thinking "Holy ****, my daughter can see into the future?" The next day, grandma dies. A week later nothing happens, but the night before Sunday, he is tucking his daughter into bed once more. He leaves and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, there is another prayer. He hears "Bless you mummy, rest in peace daddy". The father starts panicking and saying "Holy ****! I'm going to die tomorrow!" The following start of the next day consisted the father being alert all the time, checking the clock, looking around the room, etc. He goes to work to do the same things, being alert, all of that. He looks at the clock again 3 hours later. It's past midnight. The father says "How is this possible? I should be dead! " He goes home and finds his wife on the couch with a scared look on her face. She asks "What took you so long!?" The father says "Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days". Then as soon as he is about to tell what happened, she bursts out "I saw the postman die yesterday!"
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?" asked Jane's best friend. "Why shouldn't I?" said Jane. "Well, maybe he is having an affair?" "No way" said Jane "he never returns with any fish..."
"NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER" Come all ye fair young maidens and harken unto me, Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. Randier than a sailor who's been six months at sea, Never let a cricketer's hand an inch above your knee. First let's take the paceman, pure speed from first to last, My darlings do be careful; his balls are hard and fast. Then there's the medium pacer, his balls swing either way; He's really most persistent and can keep it up all day! And watch for the off-spinner, girls, another awkward chap If you leave him half an opening, he will slip one through the gap! Then there's the wily 'slowy', pure cunning is his strength; He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length. So ladies, do be careful, your mothers would agree. Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease! He has only one ambition, to spend all day at the crease. The number three is a dasher, he seldom prods and pokes. When he goes into action, he has a fine array of strokes. And do beware the slogger, not content with one or two; When he arrives at the crease then only six will do. Then there's the real stonewaller, girls, he knows what he's about; And if you let him settle in, it's hard to get him out! We come now to the last man, I hope this will not shock, He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock. So, darlings, do be careful, and be well warned by me: Never trust a cricketer, whoever he may be. And watch the wicketkeeper, girls, he's full of flair and dash; And if you raise your heel, he'll whip them off in a flash. If you take the field with the captain, you had better know the score; Or he'll have you in positions that you never knew before! The cricket commentator is a nasty sort of bloke, He watches all the action and describes it stroke by stroke. Even the kindly umpire, who looks friendly as a pup; You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up! So, darlings, please remember and repeat it after me: “NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”
If it wasn't for the war we'd all be speaking German, I pondered this as I loaded my Lidl shopping bags into my Audi. Heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam whilst out shopping. Simply dropping into a local supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naïve enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends! Here's how the scam works: Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T- shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to another supermarket, in my case, Tesco. You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way there, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet! I've had my wallet stolen on January 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on February 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon. P.S. I have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but LIDL wallets are £1.75 and look better !!
Harry Redknapp says he's not interested in the Russia manager's post. He's been quoted as saying he's ''totally commited' on being Jimmy Carr's accountant I bought one of those new Harry Redknapp televisions. More fool me. It's already gone on the blink.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax & rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'
Scientific Research Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a mans' penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didnt really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00 ( 3 cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'll pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement. The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home!" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "It's impossible to work in the dark!" says Murphy.
I recently visited Sydney and walked up the famous harbour bridge. When we were at the top, the guide for the tour said, "A word of warning folks, the safety latches that are securing us to the bridge are designed by the British". There he was laughing at his own joke, when I said. "So's the entire f*****g bridge". The smug twat quickly shut up.
A man is in court. The Judges says "On the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty" said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You rotten bas*ard!" The Judge asked the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"? "Guilty" said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder "You dirty rotten stinking bas*ard!" At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"
