To be fair, Southampton aren't the first people to come back from a Summer break to find their valuables were taken by someone from Liverpool...
A marriage guidance councillor asked my wife and I to describe our sex life with a film title, "Gone in sixty seconds, " said my wife sarcastically, "Enter the dragon, " I replied.
Lovren's penalty just landed in my back garden. Only Dejan Lovren could take a penalty in Europe and it lands in Asia.
One Monday morning Alan, the postman, is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin. 'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments. David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.' The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?' Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..' The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.' 'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times !!'
After thinking about it for a while I have reached the conclusion that Tiger Woods infidelity is not his fault. All that years of people following him around shouting "get in the hole" just went to his head.
Three ladies are playing the 4th hole at a members-only golf club, when a naked man, wearing a bag over his head, jumps from the trees and runs across the green. The 3 ladies look and are in shock at the size of his manhood. The first lady says, "Well he definitely is not my husband." The second lady looks at his manhood and says, "He for sure is not my husband." The third lady takes a good look and says, "He's not even a member of this club!"
Ed went to see the Doctor. The Doctor asked what was wrong. "Don't laugh!" said the patient Ed. "Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient". "Okay then," Ed said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest penis the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen," Ed replied
A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1945 Colt pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the room called out... "You'll need more ammo!
I came home today and it sounded like my wife was cheating on me with someone in the bedroom. Turns out she was trying to get into her jeans
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts. However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car. The M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
Sean is the pastor of a Church of England parish on the Northern Ireland/ Southern Ireland border and Patrick is the priest in the Roman Catholic Church across the road. One day they are seen together, erecting a sign into the ground, which says: THE END IS NEAR! TURN YERSELF AROUNT NOW AFOR IT IS TOO LATE! As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, "Leave people alone, you Oirish religious nutters! We don't need your lectures." From the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, Rev. Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'." "Yaa," Pastor Sean agrees, then asks, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say, 'Bridge Out?'"
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me pee vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pee's in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pee's into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to pee in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to pee in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "but Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle."
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £250,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it". The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £250,000 mortgage and no f*cking bike!"
An army sergeant walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him. Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute waiting for him on the bed. He says, "My name is Sgt Dick, been in the army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. Immediately his penis becomes instantly erect! The prostitute is in awe and asks how he can do it. The Sgt Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the army thirty years and I have total control over my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE." His penis immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over what she saw and asks him to make it hard then soft then hard again. She asks him again how he does it. The Sgt Major shouts, "I have already told you honey, I have been in the army thirty years, and I am master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-SHUN. His penis goes instantly hard. Then he gives the following command, "DICK- AT EASE!" The Sgt Major looks down and is amazed to see his penis is fully erect. The Sgt Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK-AT EASE!" No luck. His penis is still hard. He yells "God Dammit!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!"
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks. "I'm going down to give blood." "How much do you get paid for giving blood?" "About $20." "Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator. The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again. "Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?" "Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
What's the difference between a tea drinking chimpanzee and Barbara Windsor in Carry On Camping? One of them had PG Tits........
I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
