Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, but only one can get into the pearly gates. St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself. St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest. St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly. When Dolly asks St. Peter why Elizabeth was let in, Peter replies, "A royal flush beats a wild pair."
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four engine plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain's voice came over the loudspeaker. "Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appears to have failed. There's nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick". Five minutes later he said "Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late". A moment later "Err... sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up the ghost and we will now be two hours later than expected". One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we'll be here all night?"
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast. His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion. They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Liverpool shirt, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing ManU shirts roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Liverpool fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore… It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony, which could serve as a model for other nations". He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others "Who was that?!" "That" one answered "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom". "Well" the harpoonist replied "he knows absolutely f*ck all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?" The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special" Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy" The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around." Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his f***ing widow..."
What’s the difference between a car tyre and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear............. The other’s a great year.
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt...Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...' Mummy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut the f##k up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mother thru?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..." "Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family". "Okay, dad. As ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve onboard my new yacht". "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad. Girl, crying again "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff". "Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug".
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems. "Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears". "How much do you charge?" "Eighty pounds per visit" replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you" I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for £10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV". "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed... ain't nobody under there now!"
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road". When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket". Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched". Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied "Don't count your chickens before they hatch". Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands". The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well" Johnny replied "Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking".
I got home pissed at 3am and found my wife had changed the locks. As I stumbled away I noticed the bitch had also changed the street we live on.
Recent Medical Research Results Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Once upon a time, there were two guys who wanted to pick up women on a beach. One was Italian (Vito) and the other was Russian (Vladimir). Vito had no problem picking up gorgeous women - he was the most popular guy on the beach. But Vladimir had no success. Vladimir says "Vito! How do you do it? How do you attract so many beautiful women?" Vito replies "Well, I'll tell ya! But it's a secret... just between you and me. I don't want my system to become too public". Vladimir: "Okay. Its a deal!" Vito: "You see those potatoes over there? Well, every time I come to the beach I take one and put it in my Speedos. When the women see it they come running from miles around". Vladimir asks "That's it? I can do that". The next day, Vladimir went over to the produce stand and picked out the biggest, most perfectly shaped potato he could find. He then went into the changing room and slipped it into his Speedos. As he walked out onto the beach he immediately noticed that women AND men began to take notice of him. "Its working, he thought". But soon he began to realise that they were not looking interested but rather upset, almost disgusted by the sight of him. He rushed over to Vito and asked "Vito, what's the problem? Why isn't it working?" Vito: "Because you're supposed to put the potato in the front!"
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
Doug Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. So, he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses". "Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall". "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre". "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames". The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says "Mrs Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies "Property!? ... the asshole had a paper round!"
On the day of her wedding to Prince Edward, Sophie gets dressed and realizes that she forgot her shoes. Panic sets in until her sister loans her another pair of shoes. Unfortunately they are a bit too small and at the end of the night Sophie's feet are in agony. The rest of the Royal Family crowds around the door to the bedroom and they hear grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually, they hear Edward say, "God, that was tight." "There," whispers the Queen to the Duke, "I told you she was a virgin." Then, to their surprise, they hear Edward say, "Right. Now for the other one." Followed by more grunting and, "My God. That was even tighter." "That's my boy," says the Duke. "Once a sailor, always a sailor."
A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls "Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?" The guy in the Rolls says "Yes, of course I do". "I got one too... see?" the Texan says. "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice". "You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan. "Why, actually, yes, I do". "I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan. The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says "So, do you have a double bed in back there?" The guy in the Rolls replies "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the Texan replies. The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says "Hey, remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you" replies the Texan. "What's up?" "Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls". The Texan exclaims "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
Newcastle United's trophy room has been broken into and contents stolen. Police are currently looking for a man in possession of a black and white carpet. Newcastle United About as much chance of staying up as an erection in Susan Boyle’s bedroom
