Angela Merkel arrives in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. "German," she replies. "Occupation?" "No, just here for a few days........."
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and I have some bad news”. The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”. The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of £2 million”. The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?” The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you in bed with your secretary”.
Our lass says she’s leaving me because I think more of football than I think of her. I’m going to miss her, we’ve been together nearly two seasons....
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that." "Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league." "You crafty f***er!" said the fairy.
Dear Abby , My husband is pure garbage, a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning running around with strange younger women, and, when I conf ront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everywhere we go, everyone knows that he lies and cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is lie, smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his filthy rich buddies and younger women, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter moved out, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be bisexual and a lesbian . What should I do ? Signed : Clueless ---------------------------------------------- Dear Clueless , Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune: "One British Royal Marine is better than ten Isis fighters". The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Royal Marine is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'". Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again: "One Royal Marine is better than a thousand Isis fighters." The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought ..... then silence. Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men ... it's a trap. There's two of the bastards."
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor" she said "I guess I let myself go". The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad". "Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo".
A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home arriving back 3am. He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and buried the money. The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000 I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree!" The professor turned to the man with the gun and said "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first".
The wife suggested we try something different in bed, so she's going on top. Can't wait... ...Scunthorpe Crane Hire should be here any minute.
A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?" "Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says, "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her tits and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her pussy and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles,grabs his dick and says "Honey if you could get this up I could get rid of your brother"
A flat chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in South Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr.Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!' She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew a terrific D-cup rack! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.' A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of Dr Bumbutu's?' Yes I am. How did you know?' He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickorydock'...
Hearty congratulations to Venus Williams on beating Elena Dementieva to get to the final of Wimbledon. I mean have you looked at Dementieva? She's gorgeous. How Venus managed to concentrate on her tennis with an erection is beyond me.
Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.” "Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like s**t."
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to includean increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists, and in my case, a new urologist. My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy. She told me that I need to stop masturbating. I asked her why. She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
I've been on the 'phone for ages trying to book tickets for an Elvis tribute act, but it keeps asking me to press One for the money, Two for the show......
I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you". She said "Is that you or the beer talking ?" I replied "It's me talking to the beer".
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people. At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions " "Why did the Russians take Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine?" Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the kids go to Lunch. When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says, "I have Four questions. My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early? And Where is Sasha?"
