Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your mum walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.
Paddy says to Mick "I found this pen, is it yours?" Mick replies "Don't know, give it here" - he then tries it and says"Yes it is" Paddy asks "How do you know?" Mick replies "That's my handwriting!".
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper. ---------- Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life. --------- What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet? I.O.U. -------- My son asked me what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.
A bloke starts a new job in a sex shop. His boss has to go on an errand, so leaves our man in charge of the shop floor for a while. A black woman comes in and starts browsing the dildoes. "May I be of assistance, madam?" enquires the bloke. "Yes - how much are your dildoes?" replies she. "They're all £35." "In that case I'll have a white one. I've never had a white one before." As she leaves with her purchase, in comes a white woman, who asks the same question and gets the same answer. "I'll buy a black one," she says, "I've never had a black one before." Then in comes a chav woman. "Oiw, ow much are yee dildoes?" "£35 for the white, £35 for the black." "Ah okay. Ow much is tha tartan one on the shelf?" "That's a very special dildo, madam. It's £165." "I'll ave it," says the chav, and she leaves with her purchase. The boss then returns and asks our man how he did. "Pretty damn well," is the reply, "I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your Thermos for 165 quid."
I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he has lost his rag.
Approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there was a terrible mix-up one minute prior to take off, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience." When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..., "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight." Her next announcement came 3 hours later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery. But, she asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened... as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The blonde was alarmed. "What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it really smelled rotten!" said the boy. "Oh, sh*t!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
My girlfriend takes me by the hand and leads me down to the games room. She gets on top of the snooker table and onto her hands and knees. She's got on a skirt and I can see she's not wearing any knickers. She says, "Pink or brown. Take your pick." I said, "How the hell can I play snooker when you're on the table?!" Stupid cow.
Doctor Watson was told by Sherlock Holmes' gardener that there was a doubtful looking schoolgirl in Holmes' bedroom. Watsonheard strange muffled sounds coming from the bedroom and, fearing that Holmes was in danger, broke down the door to find Holmes and the girl indulging in a 69. "Good God Holmes!" said Watson "What kind of a schoolgirl is this?" "Elementary, my dear Watson, elementary!"
My girlfriend was putting sun cream on. "Do you mind doing my back?" she asked. "Let's pretend I'm your butler" I winked. "My name's Dawes." "Ok!" she giggled, "Would you mind doing my back, Dawes?" And that was all the invitation I needed...
Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Fred Couples. So seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them and he was so delighted with his purchase that he decided to wear them home to show the missus. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied "Nope". Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time "Notice anything different NOW???" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response "Bert, what's different? Its hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bert yells out "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue" she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!!! Without missing a beat old Margaret replies "Shoulda bought a new golf hat, Bert..."
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir" the first trooper told the driver "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket". Amazed, the driver asked for what. The trooper replied "Tacks evasion".
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you".
I was doing my girlfriend doggy style when she farted. I just smiled, slapped her ass and said "Hush little one, you're next".
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently" the pro replied "just like you'd hold your wife's breast". The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard". "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis". The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway... about 15 feet. "That was great" the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
Dear Deirdre. My boyfriend's a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion, he talked me into it and I let him. He shagged me up the bum really hard then after a while, unloaded. He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated. What should I do?.. Sharon of Essex
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 !!! B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web......
One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."
