A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel, and the bride says to her new groom "Please promise to be gentle; I'm still a virgin". This puzzled the groom, since, after twelve marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain this unlikely phenomena. The bride responds... "My first husband was a sales rep. He spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms "It's gonna be great! My second husband was a programmer. He was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me the documentation. My third husband was from field service. He constantly said that everything was diagnostically "okay" but he just couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was from educational services. He simply said "Those who can... do; those who can't... teach". My fifth husband was a telemarketer. He said that he had the orders, but wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. My sixth husband was an engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process, but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was from finance and administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job. My eighth husband was from standards and regulations. He told me that he was up to the standards, but that regulations said nothing about how to do it. My ninth husband was a marketing manager. He said "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it". My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he wanted to do was *talk* about it. My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist. All he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector. All he ever wanted to do was... darn, I miss him! SO, now that I have married a lawyer, I know I'm finally going to get screwed!"
I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have erection difficulties. My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra; And I bought her a treadmill !!!!
Tom, Dick and Harry were three explorers that were captured by cannibals in the jungles of Borneo. The cannibal chief said to them "If you pass the tribal test we will let you live. Go into the jungle and gather 10 items of the same fruit". So the three guys scampered into the woods. Tom came back first with 10 apples. The Chief explained the trial to him "You must shove the fruits up your arse without any expression on your face or you will be eaten". The first apple was okay, but Tom winced in pain on the second apple, and was promptly killed and eaten. Dick came back with 10 berries and the chief explained the trial to him as well. Dick didn't think it should be too tough, and began... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, but on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter and was immediately killed and eaten. Tom and Dick meet in heaven, where Tom asked "Dick, why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!" With a smile Dick replied "I couldn't help it. I saw Harry coming with an armload of pineapples and that was that".
I got woken up in the early hours as my son got in from a night out, giggling and stumbling up the stairs before the inevitable groans and banging headboard of a good old drunken shag. 'That's my boy.' I whispered to myself and nodded back off to sleep, proud as proud can be! I waited for the all clear in the morning then collared him. "Had a good time last night?", I asked. "Yeah, thanks for asking.", he replied sheepishly. "Listen son," I said, "I was your age once, going round town nailing everything in sight but I was always careful and you should do the same. You did wear a condom didn't you?" "Don't worry dad," he replied, "we both did!"
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road"? The woman replied "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied "Ma'am... that's your air freshener".
Mick and Paddy are reading headstones near a church. Mick turns to Paddy and says, "****e, there's a bloke here who was 152!" Paddy asks, "What was his name?" Mick replies, "Miles from London."
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor, he wondered aloud how on earth he could afford such a house. The Spaniard replied: ‘You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to construct a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end, I could build this place.’ The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek mayor's house: gold taps, marble floors, diamond doorknobs, it was marvellous. When he asked how he’d raised the money to build this incredible house, the Greek mayor said: ‘You see that bridge over there?’ The Spaniard replied: ’No?’
Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing, back flips, moonwalking, the works. The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating."
Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London . Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.' Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. ' 'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' Says Mick. They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my truck and...' The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?' 'Well ..... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat? The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners.'
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible". "1st - Who was born in a stable?" "Shergar" he replied "2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?" "It kills 99% of all germs" he replied. "3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?" "That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the crap out of them!!"
Paddy and Mick are trying to hitch a lift. "It's no good Paddy... Not one of these ****ers has even looked like stopping." "I know Mick... Maybe we should move closer to the start of the runway."
There was this guy, let's call him Bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers. After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was. Later that night, Bob was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought "Wait a minute... there was a golden toilet!!". He got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet. This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather than going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender "Do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!"
Understanding English hospitality An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the City on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness’. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want." The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?" "No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
I was stood at the bus stop with my wife and there was a little kid hanging around, swinging on the railings. "Show us your cock, fatty!" he shouted. After a while he said again, "Oi you! The fat bastard with a beard! Show us your cock!" "Aren't you going to say something to him?!" said my wife. "Me? " I said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"
Two women were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!' The first one says, 'So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?' The other woman answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?' The other woman says, 'A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course..' The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?'The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 meself!' About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Michael asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?' Brian answers, 'The Murphy twins are pissed again'.
Teacher: Now tell me Jonny; and tell me the truth. Do you always say your prayers before you east your dinner? Jonny - No. Don't need to miss - my mum's a good cook.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his 'pain'. "Please allow me to help, I am a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" She told him earnestly. "Ohh no, I'll be alright... I'll be fine in a few minutes" he replied as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. The woman takes it upon herself to begin to 'ease his pain. She began to massage his groin. After a few moments she asked "Does that feel better?" The man looked up at her and replied "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees. The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!” The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”. He began his series of questions. Tower: “How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”. Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??” Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”. Tower: “Okay, that is good. How do you know you're flying upside down??” Aircraft: “Because the crap in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”
Things to Ponder Habit of Talking in Sleep A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it? Doctor: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake. Your Husband Needs Rest Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills. Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him? Doctor: They are for you!
