Off Topic Insults that you remember

[Makemstine Roger]

Got called a mackem on here once.

fibber you forgot Closet and its been loads....

 

[Somebodys pinched my sombrero]

fibber you forgot Closet and its been loads....

Aye, you’re right there!

 

[Sidthemackem]

My mum never thought I'd get married. She kept on about it for ages.

Her daughter-in-law criteria were quite low: "what you need is to marry a nice girl who isn't too bright" (i.e. she's thick enough to marry me).

Me: "just like me dad...?"

Only time I've ever had a pat answer come to mind at the right time

 

[Saf]

Years ago in my early twenties a girl I was seeing threw a party at her dads place whilst he was on holiday.
Separate toilet and bathroom, this fat lass was locked in the bathroom.
Somebody was concerned for her as they reckoned she'd been a bit down all night and wouldn't answer whilst knocking the bathroom door.
Kicked the door in and she'd shìt in the bath and was trying to swirl it down the plughole

Brilliant

 

[MrRAWhite]

Got called a mackem on here once.

Your accent is far closer to Mackem than Geordie though mate..

 

[Saf]

Ouch

 

[MrRAWhite]

You must be a bigger cock than I thought

Nah!

 

[MrRAWhite]

My first job was at Brian Mills where about 4,500 people worked and out of these around 4,000 were lasses. I hadn't been there long and will have been 17 at the most when I had to go into hospital for a minor op to get a cist removed.
When I got back to work after a couple of days off there were loads of lasses asking if I was alright. I couldn't understand the concern until I found out that one of my "mates" had been round telling all the lasses that I had to have my testicles removed because of an illness.

 

[Comfy]

My first job was at Brian Mills where about 4,500 people worked and out of these around 4,000 were lasses. I hadn't been there long and will have been 17 at the most when I had to go into hospital for a minor op to get a cist removed.
When I got back to work after a couple of days off there were loads of lasses asking if I was alright. I couldn't understand the concern until I found out that one of my "mates" had been round telling all the lasses that I had to have my testicles removed because of an illness.

 

[Somebodys pinched my sombrero]

Your accent is far closer to Mackem than Geordie though mate..

Eeeh, you can go off folk. The naaars

 

[Somebodys pinched my sombrero]

My first job was at Brian Mills where about 4,500 people worked and out of these around 4,000 were lasses. I hadn't been there long and will have been 17 at the most when I had to go into hospital for a minor op to get a cist removed.
When I got back to work after a couple of days off there were loads of lasses asking if I was alright. I couldn't understand the concern until I found out that one of my "mates" had been round telling all the lasses that I had to have my testicles removed because of an illness.

I had a mole removed from my todger recently.


Last time I shag one of those.

 

[Makemstine Roger]

My first job was at Brian Mills where about 4,500 people worked and out of these around 4,000 were lasses. I hadn't been there long and will have been 17 at the most when I had to go into hospital for a minor op to get a cist removed.
When I got back to work after a couple of days off there were loads of lasses asking if I was alright. I couldn't understand the concern until I found out that one of my "mates" had been round telling all the lasses that I had to have my testicles removed because of an illness.

that story was only one sentence shorter than Lincolns Gettysburg address, he says making the sign of the cross, spectacles testicles wallet and watch amen

 

[Makemstine Roger]

Eeeh, you can go off folk. The naaars

was that not supposed to be, by ekky thump being in the proximity more of Yorkshire than Northumberland.

 

[Peterslass]

A week after my mother’s funeral, while getting out my car with a copy of her funeral service in my hand, my next door neighbour decided to have a go at me, not for the first time. The bit I remember most is him telling me what a ‘sad, pathetic life you have’. After that, him telling me how he & his partner WORK for a living.

I don’t work, I used to then eventually received an Ill Health Retirement pension due to an incident at work. I have a daughter, just her & me, she has numerous problems & difficulties. Assessed for autism, told traits but that’s all, sensory issues, severe anxiety, OCD & now diagnosed with a Personality Disorder, a benign brain tumour & various health problems. She’s an adult, I am her carer.

Mam had dementia for 10 years,last 2 in a (very good) home. Mam & dad lived close, dad stopped driving 15 years ago, I did everything I could. Mam died unexpectedly just over a year ago.

Dad now has dementia. He’s 87 & living alone. I’m trying to juggle the demands of my daughter & my father. They have no-one else, only me.
To be told my life is “sad & pathetic” when it is mostly spent looking after those I love is quite the insult.

Just take a moment to think before you judge.

 

[Makemstine Roger]

A week after my mother’s funeral, while getting out my car with a copy of her funeral service in my hand, my next door neighbour decided to have a go at me, not for the first time. The bit I remember most is him telling me what a ‘sad, pathetic life you have’. After that, him telling me how he & his partner WORK for a living.

I don’t work, I used to then eventually received an Ill Health Retirement pension due to an incident at work. I have a daughter, just her & me, she has numerous problems & difficulties. Assessed for autism, told traits but that’s all, sensory issues, severe anxiety, OCD & now diagnosed with a Personality Disorder, a benign brain tumour & various health problems. She’s an adult, I am her carer.

Mam had dementia for 10 years,last 2 in a (very good) home. Mam & dad lived close, dad stopped driving 15 years ago, I did everything I could. Mam died unexpectedly just over a year ago.

Dad now has dementia. He’s 87 & living alone. I’m trying to juggle the demands of my daughter & my father. They have no-one else, only me.
To be told my life is “sad & pathetic” when it is mostly spent looking after those I love is quite the insult.

Just take a moment to think before you judge.

after reading that my heart goes out to you,in our society now we as a country are more geared towards helping other then our own, i wish i lived close to you to be able to offer any assistance you may need like transporting your father looking after your daughter to give you a break, my wife and i live in Germany at the moment but when i secure a house in England late this year, i will only be too happy to Pm message you and offer my assistance which i hope you will allow me to do .In closing i would like to add that having read you predicament we as a country need to stop handing money and four star accommodation and use the money for our own people first charity begins at home.

i forgot to add i wish you and your family a very happy Xmas and hope you have a good new year all the best.

 

[Peterslass]

after reading that my heart goes out to you,in our society now we as a country are more geared towards helping other then our own, i wish i lived close to you to be able to offer any assistance you may need like transporting your father looking after your daughter to give you a break, my wife and i live in Germany at the moment but when i secure a house in England late this year, i will only be too happy to Pm message you and offer my assistance which i hope you will allow me to do .In closing i would like to add that having read you predicament we as a country need to stop handing money and four star accommodation and use the money for our own people first charity begins at home.

i forgot to add i wish you and your family a very happy Xmas and hope you have a good new year all the best.

That’s extremely kind of you, thank you. It’s much appreciated.
Christmas Eve was a nightmare, but, today has gone better than expected, even managed a nap
Hope you & your family have had a wonderful time, all the best

 

[Evil Jimmy Krankie]

My first job was at Brian Mills where about 4,500 people worked and out of these around 4,000 were lasses. I hadn't been there long and will have been 17 at the most when I had to go into hospital for a minor op to get a cist removed.
When I got back to work after a couple of days off there were loads of lasses asking if I was alright. I couldn't understand the concern until I found out that one of my "mates" had been round telling all the lasses that I had to have my testicles removed because of an illness.

Brian Mills/Janet Frazer was my first job as well. Lasted seven or eight months before I joined the army. You’re absolutely right though, loads of lasses. Met my first proper girlfriend there. We were together for about 15 months and like a twat I finished with her by letter. Not my finest moment by any stretch.

 

[Whittylad]

after reading that my heart goes out to you,in our society now we as a country are more geared towards helping other then our own, i wish i lived close to you to be able to offer any assistance you may need like transporting your father looking after your daughter to give you a break, my wife and i live in Germany at the moment but when i secure a house in England late this year, i will only be too happy to Pm message you and offer my assistance which i hope you will allow me to do .In closing i would like to add that having read you predicament we as a country need to stop handing money and four star accommodation and use the money for our own people first charity begins at home.

i forgot to add i wish you and your family a very happy Xmas and hope you have a good new year all the best.

That is a fantastic post.

 

[polyphemus]

Cricketers are the best at insults. My favourite was Merv Hughes and Robin Smith. Smith played and missed and Hughes said "you cant f***ing bat". Smith hits next one for 4 and says " we make a great pair, I cant f***ing bat and you cant f***ing bowl".

Always tickles me when I think of that. If you are going to insult someone be prepared for a response in time.

Not a cricketing sledge, as such, but it's always amused me.

Mid 80's.
Against Australia.

Mike Gatting, not anybody's idea of an athlete despite his being a goalkeeper as a youth, took an absolutely brilliant catch in the gulley.

Later Ian Botham was asked about this incredible event.

With a perfectly strait face, Ian sai, 'he thought the ball was a pie'