Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a bar. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” The second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer says, “Ok then, come on in.” The second guy sees this and does the same thing. The bouncer says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The bouncer responds, “You have a Chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy exclaims, “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?” Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.” “Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife. “Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?” “Oh, no,” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Paddy went to the train station and asked the ticket office for a one way ticket to jeopardy. The clerk said there's no such place. Paddy replied, look, it said on the news last night there's 3000 jobs in jeopardy and i want to get there NOW!!.
Captain Kirk actor William Shatner finally goes into space The Firm "Star Trekkin'" ORIGINAL VIDEO - YouTube
My husband gave me a handmade bra that he'd got from a craft fair, and told me it was made from sheepdog fur. "Aww, how sweet" I giggled. "Is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?" He said "no, but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction!!
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have a driver's license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting anyone pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation. The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it". I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees. Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway? Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?