Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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S
Super G Ted'inho
Guest
What kind of fun does a priest have?
[NSFW]Nun[/NSFW]
What is the definition of suspicion?
[NSFW]A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field. [/NSFW]
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
[NSFW]A roaming catholic[/NSFW]
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
[NSFW]A tran-sister[/NSFW]
How do you get a nun pregnant?
[NSFW]Dress her up as an altar boy. [/NSFW]
What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
[NSFW]A nun with a spear through her head! [/NSFW]
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.
[NSFW]Nun[/NSFW]
What is the definition of suspicion?
[NSFW]A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field. [/NSFW]
What do you call a nun who walks in her sleep?
[NSFW]A roaming catholic[/NSFW]
What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?
[NSFW]A tran-sister[/NSFW]
How do you get a nun pregnant?
[NSFW]Dress her up as an altar boy. [/NSFW]
What's black and white and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
[NSFW]A nun with a spear through her head! [/NSFW]
Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before"; the second one replies "Must be the cobbles"
Choirboy 1: Hi! I have to go to confession today, and I'm a bit worried. You know this priest a long time already. What would he give for committing sodomy?
Choirboy 2: That's two chocolate bars.
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."
Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her. Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said. Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?" She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"
Three nuns are walking down the street, when a man jumps out and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, the third one didn't touch him.
Most of them are polar opposites to those found in internet porn
Most are black women wearing white habits?
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
S
Super G Ted'inho
Guest
Why did the two penguins jump up and down when they first met?
The wanted to break the ice!
#penguinjokes
The wanted to break the ice!
#penguinjokes
S
Super G Ted'inho
Guest
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
How does an Essex nun turn the light on after sex?
[nsfw]She opens the car door[/nsfw]
What's the last thing that goes through a nun's mind before she hits the windshield of your car?
[nsfw]Her Arse[/nsfw]
[nsfw]She opens the car door[/nsfw]
What's the last thing that goes through a nun's mind before she hits the windshield of your car?
[nsfw]Her Arse[/nsfw]
Two lads playing darts in a pub, first dart hits triple 20, second dart single 20, suddenly a min walks right I front of the dart board right when he throws the final dart, it hits her in the head killing her
One nun dead and eighty!!!!
One nun dead and eighty!!!!
A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barmaid (who is also a nun) says, I can't sell you a drink, you're already off your face!
Why did the Nun cross the road? - 'cause she was in the habit!
Why did the Nun cross the road? - 'cause she was in the habit!
S
Super G Ted'inho
Guest
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"
- - - - - - - - -
A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.
The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.
Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."
Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.
Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.
Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"
The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
- - - - - - - - -
Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.
One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"
- - - - - - - - -
A bus full of Nuns is travelling along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and it crashes down into a ravine where it explodes. All of the nuns are incinerated instantly.
The Nuns arrive at the entrance to Heaven where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font filled with Holy Water.
Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..."
Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the holy water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the holy water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.
He asks the second nun the same thing and she replies, "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.
Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.
Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter, sister?"
The Nun replies, "Nothing's wrong, I just want to gargle it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it."
- - - - - - - - -
Two nuns are cycling down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.
One says, "I've never come this way before."
The other says, "Me neither. It must be the cobblestones."
Indecent Exposure
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"
FFS
#primaryschool
FFS
#kindergarten
I await your startling contribution to the nun section with baited breath, Bish
