Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?” With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door. “Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
 
A sales rep, an admin clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and out comes a Genie.
The Genie says 'You can all have one wish only.'
'Me, me, me! I'm first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving my own speedboat, without a care in the world.'
****. She's gone.
'Me next, me next, me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my own personal masseuse, an unlimited supply of Pina Coladas and several sports illustrated models.'
****. He disappears.
'OK, last one, you're up' says the Genie to their manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two ****ers back in the office right after lunch.'
 
Garlic Bread said:
As we all know Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot all the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him.......

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


This joke is so bad it probably supports the argument that the forum should be for football only. If it does become so I will leave as I like the OT threads. But I feel OT threads about religion, racism and politics should not be allowed. I always remember my Grandad, who ran many pubs in Liverpool in his time, saying the way to ruin a good night out in a pub was to introduce one of those three topics into the conversation.
Click to expand...

This. Support your view on religion, racism and politics OT threads.


Another bad joke:

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
 
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 
I went to the bookstore and said to the girl there "There is a new book being released today about small penises. Do you have a copy?"

She looked at her computer and said "I don't think it's in."

I said "yeah, that's the one."
 
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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says , "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference..?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please..!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair.. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f**ing crap out of the lawyer with it and says, "Now then.. Do you want me to stop, or just slow down..?"..
 
Sisu said:
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense..!!

Irish Garda says," License and registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What for?"

Irish Garda replies, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign."

London Lawyer says , "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Irish Garda says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please."

London Lawyer says, "What's the difference..?"

Irish Garda says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.. License and registration, please..!"

London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between "slow down" and "stop", I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.."

Irish Garda says, "Sounds fair.. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the f**ing crap out of the lawyer with it and says, "Now then.. Do you want me to stop, or just slow down..?"..
Click to expand...




[NSFW]a man riding his bike along the canal towpath comes across his newlywed mate who was fishing, he said to him " how did the wedding night go Joe?

Joe told him it was awful, his mate said you must have banged her pussy?

Joe said "no mate she had gonorreah"

His mate said "well did you use the rear entrance instead?"

Joe said, "no mate she had diarrhea"

His mate said in desperation "well surely she gave you a blow job?"

Joe said sadly "no mate she had pyarea"

His mate said just as Joe was fixing new bait on his fishing line, "****ing hell Joe why the **** did you marry her?"

Joe said just as was casting off.....






























"For maggots mate"


:bandit:

[/NSFW]
 
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.
Sister Elizabeth casts her eyes heavenward and cries, "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!"
Sister Mary turns and moans, "Oh God, mine does!!!"
Click to expand...

What the **** is it with you and nuns? <yikes>
 
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
 
Wecanplayyoueveryweek said:
Tony had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'
His Sicilian wife Gina replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."
Click to expand...

I'm surprised his wife wasn't a nun! <whistle>
 
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?'
'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
 
A priest is about to go on a missionary trip to Africa. Before he goes he prays to God that he will be safe when he goes. God said 'Do not fear, I will protect you on the way only if you have complete trust in me'
So when the priest is walking on a mountain in Africa there is a huge avalanche and the priest finds himself clinging by his fngernails above a lake full of crocidiles.
Soon a group of tourists come along and ask 'Do you need any help?' 'No, I put my faith in God' answered the priest
Later a boat comes along and the people inside ask if he needs any help. Again the priest says 'No, I put my faith in God'
Later a people in a helicopter ask the same thing. Again, the priests still puts faith in God
At that point the priest falls into the lake and gets eaten by the crocodiles.
In heaven the priest asks
'What went wrong, why did I die, I put my faith in you'
And God answered
'Well I don't know. I sent a helicopter, a boat.....'
 
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