Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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You will never believe it but I have just won an all expenses paid trip to the World Cup final with Talk Sport!

Its for me and three friends.

3 Weeks inclusive in a beach front, 5 star hotel.

£2000 each spending money.

VIP tickets and meet the players, and the pundits.

The flights leave from Liverpool June the 20th.

So If you are free could you put my bins out for me?
 
Margaret recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance
money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the
ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too,
with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that
blow job I promised you?"

"Well. Here it comes."
 
A Henpecked Husband
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
 
Suarezforgoldenboot said:
A Henpecked Husband
A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."
Click to expand...

That's a bit heavy <yikes>
 
Suarezforgoldenboot said:
Extract from Interview given by Roy Hodgson after England lost to France in Brazil:

Reporter: "They warned you that you cannot win any thing with Kids, yet you came with kids to the greatest football event in the world".
Roy: "Looks at the kids, Sterling in particular, is ten times f**k...better that some old legs in the team. He put in a cross these old legs cannot finish the job. It was a killer ball".
Reporter: "Old legs?...can you name them"
Roy: "Unprofessional to be specific".
Reporter:"Your next game is against Uruguay. Do you think this old legs can stop them"?
Roy: "Forget about Uruguay, the job is done: Suarez is not one hundred percent fit and they also have suspensions".
Reporter: "Good luck Roy".
Click to expand...

<doh>
.
 
Once two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. &#8220;He&#8217;s my son-in law&#8221; one said &#8220;No he&#8217;s mine&#8221; countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. &#8220;Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.&#8221; &#8220;No&#8221; the first lady screamed &#8220;don&#8217;t cut him in half I would rather the second lady get the whole son-in-law.&#8221; Ah Hah said King Solomon with a big smile I now know who is the real mother-in-law. For a only the real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.&#8221;
 
Suarezforgoldenboot said:
Once two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a boy. &#8220;He&#8217;s my son-in law&#8221; one said &#8220;No he&#8217;s mine&#8221; countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. &#8220;Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.&#8221; &#8220;No&#8221; the first lady screamed &#8220;don&#8217;t cut him in half I would rather the second lady get the whole son-in-law.&#8221; Ah Hah said King Solomon with a big smile I now know who is the real mother-in-law. For a only the real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.&#8221;
Click to expand...

Who gave you permission to take my name in vain? <grr>
 
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