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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH".
"I'm contemplating introducing Sharia law for bicycle theft," said the leader of the main opposition Conservative Party, David Cameron, referring to the Islamic law code, after thieves took his bike as he stopped to pick up groceries near his west London home
Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, "My MIL is an angel." His friend replies, "You're lucky. Mine is still alive."
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
A man goes to a Halloween party with a woman on his back.
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's badger!"
The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The man says, “I’m a snail."
The host says, "And who's that on your back?"
And the man says, "That's badger!"
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Super G Ted'inho
Guest
I would rather rape a virgin than let that person have a chance of being a suicide bomber's reward.
Extract from Interview given by Roy Hodgson after England lost to France in Brazil:
Reporter: "They warned you that you cannot win any thing with Kids, yet you came with kids to the greatest football event in the world".
Roy: "Looks at the kids, Sterling in particular, is ten times f**k...better that some old legs in the team. He put in a cross these old legs cannot finish the job. It was a killer ball".
Reporter: "Old legs?...can you name them"
Roy: "Unprofessional to be specific".
Reporter:"Your next game is against Uruguay. Do you think this old legs can stop them"?
Roy: "Forget about Uruguay, the job is done: Suarez is not one hundred percent fit and they also have suspensions".
Reporter: "Good luck Roy".
Reporter: "They warned you that you cannot win any thing with Kids, yet you came with kids to the greatest football event in the world".
Roy: "Looks at the kids, Sterling in particular, is ten times f**k...better that some old legs in the team. He put in a cross these old legs cannot finish the job. It was a killer ball".
Reporter: "Old legs?...can you name them"
Roy: "Unprofessional to be specific".
Reporter:"Your next game is against Uruguay. Do you think this old legs can stop them"?
Roy: "Forget about Uruguay, the job is done: Suarez is not one hundred percent fit and they also have suspensions".
Reporter: "Good luck Roy".