A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of badgers. He pulls the guy over and says... "You can't drive around with badgers in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says "OK"... and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of badgers, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands... "I thought I told you to take these badgers to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies... "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them the grey hair on his chest and they except that as proof.He goes home to his wife, show's her the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
England manager Roy Hodgson has set up a friendly match for the England team against Iceland to try and cheer fans up. If they win that game, they'll play Tesco's next and then Asda
Paddy is leaving Irland to go to London, he tells his neighbour Mr`s Dunn. Mr`s Dunn say`s "my boy Neil (we call him Neily) went to London two years ago and we have heard nothing from him since, if you get the chance can you get in touch with him and ask him to call home". Paddy promisses to find him and ask`s where he lives, Mr`s Dunn say`s the last address they had was WC4. When Paddy arrives in London he starts walking the streets looking for digs when he comes across a sign pointing down some stairs saying WC`s, he walks down the stairs and see`s doors arranged along one side, he counts the door`s and when he comes to number 4 he knocks and shouts "are you Neily Dunn in there to which a voice reply`s i am but there`s no paper in here, Paddy shout`s in disgust "that`s a poor excuse for not writing home to your mother".
A lone traveller on a cold dark night comes across a monastry where he seeks seeks a bed for the night. He is invited in and joins the monks for dinner around a long table. When dinner is over a monk stands up and say`s 42 to which some of the monks giggle and some laugh, another monk stands up and say`s 72, some snigger and some boo. The man ask`s the Abbott what is going on and is told that jokes are being told, this is a closed order and so the jokes are all known so it is easier and quicker to just tell them by numbers. The man is intregued and ask`s if he can tell one, the Abbott allows this so the man stands up and say`s 132. The monks fall off their stools laughing and applaud for several minuets, the man ask`s the Abott "was that a good one?" to which the Abbott reply`s "yes, we haven`t heard that one before".
A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion. The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!” The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”
