Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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My van wouldn't start today.

So I looked under the bonnet and saw a bat, sitting on the engine.

It was a very polite bat. He said "hello sir, you are a handsome man, and very nicely dressed too"

I could see the problem straight away.





Bat flattery.....
 
You probably think that you know the story about Noah’s Ark, but think again because here’s the real story . . . .

God appeared to Noah and said “It’s going to rain for 40 days and 40 nights, and I want you to build an Ark. It has to be 30 cubits wide, 60 cubits long and 2 stories high“
Noah replied “I'm guessing that you want me to fill it with birds and animals.”
God said, “No, fish mainly, and particularly carp.“
Noah replied “Ah . . . . you want a two storey carp Ark“
 
The missus asked me last night if I could give her a Liverpool performance in bed
I said what’s that? She said ‘you stay on top a long time and come second’.
 
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