Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Man to his mate: "I robbed two pictures last night, one's worth £1.5m and the other £1.7m. They're in the boot of my car, want to see them?" Opens his boot shows his mate the pictures.
Mate: "You robbed the estate agents didn't you ".
 
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A guy goes to the doctor and says: 'Doctor, I'm
getting married next week, but I have had unprotected sex
a couple of times lately. Before our marriage, I'd
like to know if I have an STD; could you do a test for me?'

'Sure', the doctor says, 'but the result
of such a test takes 3 weeks, so it will not be in time for your
marriage'
'Oh dear', the guy says, 'What should I do?'

'Well, the doctor replies, 'Perhaps I know something.
You go to the meadows just outside the city, and wait till
the sheep have gathered around you. Then you drop your pants
and wait to see what happens... If the sheep just smell your dick
and walk away, there is a problem. However, if they take
your dick in their mouths and start sucking it, you're
OK!'
After a few weeks the doctor runs into the guy. 'And...',
he asks, 'can I congratulate you on your marriage?'

'No', the guy says, 'I've become a shepherd!'
 
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