Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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After being with her all evening, the man couldn’t take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, “I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.”
“Thank heavens,” his date replied. “If yours hadn’t, mine would have had to!”
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks,
“What do you suggest I wash it down with?”
“Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”
The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.
She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks,
“What do you suggest I wash it down with?”
“Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”
Estimated net worth:
Tom Cruise: $550 million
Su Pollard: $2 million
Until male and female actors are paid equally we’ll never have true equality.
Tom Cruise: $550 million
Su Pollard: $2 million
Until male and female actors are paid equally we’ll never have true equality.
And what do you think about Su Pollard?I can't believe that ugly stupid **** is worth more than 10 ****ing bob
A pint of beer
A Referee walks into the bar after a game and orders a pint of beer and hands the barman a twenty pound (Ã,£20) note. The barman decides to rip the Referee off, so he hands him back a fiver (Ã,£5) in change.
The Referee accepts the Ã,£5 change, takes his pint and goes and sits down near the fire.
After a while the barman wanders over and starts talking to the Referee and says "You know, we don't get many Referees coming in here after the match".
The Referee says "I'm not f%*^!*% suprised at Ã,£15 a pint"
A Referee walks into the bar after a game and orders a pint of beer and hands the barman a twenty pound (Ã,£20) note. The barman decides to rip the Referee off, so he hands him back a fiver (Ã,£5) in change.
The Referee accepts the Ã,£5 change, takes his pint and goes and sits down near the fire.
After a while the barman wanders over and starts talking to the Referee and says "You know, we don't get many Referees coming in here after the match".
The Referee says "I'm not f%*^!*% suprised at Ã,£15 a pint"
Just been reading about a major Albanian crime gang that is terrorising London.
Surely they can’t be too difficult to catch with all that white hair and red eyes......
Surely they can’t be too difficult to catch with all that white hair and red eyes......
An American tourist hailed a taxi in Mayfair, London and asked the cabbie to be taken to Buckingham Palace.
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, 'Oh! Cadillac - Made in the USA! Very fast!'
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. 'Ah! Chevrolet - Made in the US of A! Very fast!'
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, 'Buick - Made in the USA! Lightning quick!'
The taxi driver, who was 100% London Cockney, was starting to get a little annoyed that the American made cars were passing him, when what should happen but yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into Birdcage Walk. 'Oh! Lexus - Made in the USA! Very rapid!'
The taxi driver stopped the car outside Buckingham Palace and pointing to the meter, and said, 'That'll be £100.'
'£100? It was so short a ride! Why so much?'
The Taxi driver smiled as he replied, 'Meter - Made in England. Very fast.'
On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded, 'Oh! Cadillac - Made in the USA! Very fast!'
Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi. 'Ah! Chevrolet - Made in the US of A! Very fast!'
Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said, 'Buick - Made in the USA! Lightning quick!'
The taxi driver, who was 100% London Cockney, was starting to get a little annoyed that the American made cars were passing him, when what should happen but yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into Birdcage Walk. 'Oh! Lexus - Made in the USA! Very rapid!'
The taxi driver stopped the car outside Buckingham Palace and pointing to the meter, and said, 'That'll be £100.'
'£100? It was so short a ride! Why so much?'
The Taxi driver smiled as he replied, 'Meter - Made in England. Very fast.'
A drunken lady leapt into a taxi stark naked. Sachin, the Indian taxi driver made no attempt to drive off.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
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