Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Congratulations to my wife on reaching a new culinary milestone.
Today she set off the neighbours smoke alarm!

 

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can't sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog's testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.
He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
"Boy, don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!"

 

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

 

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I had my 5 year old nephew try on a dress because he might be trans and he should get to explore gender fluidity.
But he kept shouting, "I don't like dresses! Dresses are for girls!"
What a transphobic little ****.

 

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1. Announcing the cancellation of the 8.16 to Bedford. “This is due to slippery rain.”
2. Heard on an April morning. The train is delayed because of "dew on the tracks".
3. On the train from St Pancras to Derby. “We apologise for the late running of this service. This was due to excessive heat on the tracks between Bedford and Luton.” (It was the first sunny day of the year.)

 

Scariest Runaway Train Prank - Just For Laughs Gags

 

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Dead Man Walking Joke
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A doctor says to his patient, I have bad news and worse news

Patient ,Oh dear, what's the bad news asks the patient.

The doctor replies, You only have 24 hours to live.

Patient That's terrible, said the patient. How can the news possibly be worse?

The doctor replies, I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.​

 

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