Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Once upon a time, a
beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said
to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an
evil witch
put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and

you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and

forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog

legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
 
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888NabyKeita8 said:
Once upon a time, a
beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.
The frog said
to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an
evil witch
put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back
into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and

you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and

forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog

legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
Click to expand...
<laugh>
 
Have you ever wondered why all our great grandparents had such fond memories of their youth?
Well... I'm surprised they remembered anything at all !!!

Forget Tums & Tylenol. Forget Aleve & Benedryl. Look at the cool stuff they had back then!
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A bottle of Bayer's 'Heroin'.
Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine.It was also used to treat children suffering with a strong cough.
Coca Wine, anyone?
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Metcalf's Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.
Mariani Wine.
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Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.
Maltine.
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Produced by the Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children should only take half a glass.
A paperweight:
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A paperweight promoting C.F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim, Germany). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.
Opium for Asthma:
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At 40% alcohol plus 3 grams of opium per tablet. It didn't cure you... but you didn't care!
Cocaine Tablets (1900).
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All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to 'smooth' the voice.Cocaine drops for toothache.
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Very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children very happy!
Opium for newborns.
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I'm sure this would make them sleep well. (not only the Opium, but also the 46% alcohol)
Lydia Pinkham was 20% (40 proof) alcohol herbal concoction cure for all feminine problems. Also, some of the cough and cold medicine for kids and adults had a high percentage of alcohol in it. A common remedy for babies cutting new teeth was to rub the gums with whiskey.
It's no wonder they were called, "The Good Old Days".
From cradle to grave,everyone was STONED!
 
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A woman threatens to leave her husband unless he installs a toilet in their home. To win back her love and respect, he heads out on a journey to fight against the backward society.

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Lying in a hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"
The man nodded to the affirmative and the priest handed him a pad and pen.

The priest said, "I know you can't speak, but write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man scrawled his message on the pad and stuffed it into the priest's hands.

Moments later, the man died.

After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her a bit, the priest handed her the note.

"Here are your husband's last words. He wrote them just for you."

The wife tearfully opened the note which read: "Get off of my oxygen hose!!"
 
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My wife crashed her car yesterday. She told the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a can at the time. The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own back garden.
 
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