Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
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This man was really lonely, so he posted an ad on a popular website. The ad said, simply: "Wife wanted."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
He was surprised the next morning to find he had over a hundred replies in his inbox. Unfortunately, they all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
For goodness sake, it's 2018...
Surely we should have closed the #genderpaygap between all 9,630 genders by now?!
Surely we should have closed the #genderpaygap between all 9,630 genders by now?!
Britain is bracing itself for a marmalade famine after #Brexit. With tariffs imposed the price of oranges from the EU will soar, pricing out the average housewife/husband from from purchasing the fruity preserve. They really didn't know what they were voting for.pic.twitter.com/zFttUFyNIL
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After #Brexit, Britain will no longer see Spanish omlettes on the menu. Outside of the single market and customs union, the Brits will be unable to source eggs from Spanish chickens. This will leave them with only regular British omlettes, which of course are completely different
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_The Difference - Crazy vs Stupid.
A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.
Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
Try as he might, he couldn't fish the bolts out. He was at his wits' end.
Just then one of the patients happened to walk by and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought what the heck, there was nothing much he could do. So he explained what happened to the patient.
The patient laughed at him and said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem... No wonder you are a truck driver....
Here's what you do. Take one bolt from each of the other three tyres and fix them on this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and get the missing ones replaced. Easy as that."
The driver was stunned. He turned to the patient and asked, "So if you're this smart, then why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
The patient replied: "Hello...I am here because I'm CRAZY. Not because I'm STUPID!"
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A truck driver was doing his usual delivery to a Mental Hospital.
Just as he was about to leave, he discovered he had a flat tyre. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.
Try as he might, he couldn't fish the bolts out. He was at his wits' end.
Just then one of the patients happened to walk by and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought what the heck, there was nothing much he could do. So he explained what happened to the patient.
The patient laughed at him and said, "You can't even fix such a simple problem... No wonder you are a truck driver....
Here's what you do. Take one bolt from each of the other three tyres and fix them on this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and get the missing ones replaced. Easy as that."
The driver was stunned. He turned to the patient and asked, "So if you're this smart, then why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"
The patient replied: "Hello...I am here because I'm CRAZY. Not because I'm STUPID!"
Copied
That's basically taken from the Forest Gump book (sucked by the way... Movie was much better).
Bought a dog from our local blacksmith today, as soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.
"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."
"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."