Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

The staff at McDonalds are so friendly these days, when a fat bird served me earlier she even apologised for the weight.

 

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the barman, Barman,
buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me
the bill.
So, the barman does just that and hands the man a bill for
£52.00. The drunk says, I haven't got £52.00.
The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out
into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again
says, Barman, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself
one, and give me the bill.
The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he
can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so
he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for
the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill
for £68.00.
The drunk says, I haven't got £68.00.
The barman can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the
living crap out of him, and throws him out into the street.
The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says,
Barman, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.
In disgust, the barman says, What, no drink for me this time?
The drunk replies, You? No way! You get too violent when you
start drinking.

 

Why are Pirates called Pirates........





....... Coz they ARGHHHHHH

 

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket
according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at
your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more
sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash
your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you
see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.





HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN!!!
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the
'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

 

Bloke goes to the doctors with a golf ball stuck up his arse.
The Doc says "**** me thats gone up a fairway".

 

My wife kicked me out the other day, she said it was because I was obsessed with cowboy movies.
Ah well, this town wasn't big enough for the both of us anyway.

 

Jesus was supposed to be a very wise man, though I'm not so sure myself.
I mean, I know I certainly wouldn't trust a bloke called Judas - would you?

 

On my way to work this morning I was stopped in a police 'spot check!'
Apparently I've got two pimples and a boil!

 

please log in to view this image

 

My dog does a somersault every time Man utd score a goal.
Sometimes he does two.
It just depends on how hard i kick him !

 

MALE v FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are
requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'
MALE PROCEDURE:
1... Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Lower your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Raise window.
7. Drive off.



FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN .
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Hand Brake.

 

A priest was walking along when suddenly a frog said to him "Father a curse has been placed on me. I used to be a choirboy, to reverse the curse you must take me home and look after me with some food and a bed for the night."
The priest then took the frog home and placed him on his pillow. In the morning the priest found a young choirboy in his bed.
And that My Lord is the case for the defence

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out Of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, But as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, A dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I used to have a job Drilling holes looking for water .
It was Well Boring ...

 

What's a Pirates favourite Letter ?