Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD
- Thread starter Garlic Klopp
- Start date
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Scientists unveil the "theft proof" handbag. Apparently 99.9% of men couldn't correctly locate the zipper.
Sorry if this has been done already lol.
A Scotsmen,Irish man and Welshman walk into a bar. There is normally an English man but he's at the World Cup
A Scotsmen,Irish man and Welshman walk into a bar. There is normally an English man but he's at the World Cup
Sorry if this has been done already lol.
A Scotsmen,Irish man and Welshman walk into a bar. There is normally an English man but he's at the World Cup
that's just trumps cavalcade going through burger king for his tea.
now this IS a balloon
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"You don’t argue with a toddler if you want to win; don’t amplify the toddler’s voice, because you’ll just get trapped in the toddler’s world. Rather, just keep asking the toddler to elaborate, because logic is the downfall of every toddler." —"Daily Show" host Trevor Noah on handling Donald Trump
Someone should explain to some of these guys that trump is not a toddler. He is a guy with the power to ruin the world economy or start world war 3 on a whim.
You cannot ask him to elaborate anything or think logic works with this guy.
A class of five-year old school children return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes ’s a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit..''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.'' ''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes ’s a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says, Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit..''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says, Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit.''
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "****! I didn't recognize you."