Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Zingy said:
Is Jezabel the Queen of Sheba?
Click to expand...
NO JAZABEL WAS A WICKED WOMAN.
Jezebel No. 1
The Woman Who Was a She-Devil
Scripture References—1 Kings 16:31; 18:4-19; 19:1, 2; 21:5-25; 2 Kings 9
Name Meaning—This heartless woman with a bloody history belied the name she bore, for Jezebel means, “chaste, free from carnal connection”; but by nature she was a most licentious woman. She was a voluptuary, with all the tawdry arts of a wanton woman. Thus no name could have been more inappropriate for such a despised female.
Family Connections—She was the daughter of Ethbaal, king of the Zidonians, and both king and priest of Baal worshipers. The Phoenicians were a remarkable race, and outstanding as the great maritime peoples of the ancient world, but they were idolaters who regarded Jehovah as only a local deity, “the god of the land.” Their gods were Baal and Ashtaroth or Astarte, with their innumerable number of priests, 450 of whom Ahab installed in the magnificent temple to the Sun-god he had built in Samaria. Another 400 priests were housed in a sanctuary Jezebel erected for them, and which she fed at her own table. Cruel and licentious rites were associated with the worship of Baal. Jezebel sprang from an idolatrous stock, the same source which afterward produced the greatest soldier of antiquity, Hannibal, whose temper was not more daring and unforgiving than hers.
It was this heathen woman who married Ahab, king of Northern Israel, and who in so doing was guilty of a rash and impious act which resulted in evil consequences. As a Jew, Ahab sinned against his Hebrew faith in taking as his wife the daughter of a man whose very name, Ethbaal, meant, “A Man of Baal.” How or where the strong-minded idolatrous woman and the weak and spineless king met we are not told. Doubtless seeing her, Ahab was fascinated by her beauty and forcefulness of character and fell for her, and Jezebel, ambitious and proud, eagerly seized the opportunity of sharing the throne of a king. Any man, able to resist the wiles of a beautiful but wicked woman possesses true heroism. Joseph succeeded against the lovely yet lustful wife of Potiphar, but Caesar and Antony after conquering almost the whole world, were conquered by the fair but foul Cleopatra.
Let conquerors boast
 
Jigsawklopp said:
NO JAZABEL WAS A WICKED WOMAN.
Jezebel No. 1
The Woman Who Was a She-Devil
Scripture References—1 Kings 16:31; 18:4-19; 19:1, 2; 21:5-25; 2 Kings 9
Name Meaning—This heartless woman with a bloody history belied the name she bore, for Jezebel means, “chaste, free from carnal connection”; but by nature she was a most licentious woman. She was a voluptuary, with all the tawdry arts of a wanton woman. Thus no name could have been more inappropriate for such a despised female.
Family Connections—She was the daughter of Ethbaal, king of the Zidonians, and both king and priest of Baal worshipers. The Phoenicians were a remarkable race, and outstanding as the great maritime peoples of the ancient world, but they were idolaters who regarded Jehovah as only a local deity, “the god of the land.” Their gods were Baal and Ashtaroth or Astarte, with their innumerable number of priests, 450 of whom Ahab installed in the magnificent temple to the Sun-god he had built in Samaria. Another 400 priests were housed in a sanctuary Jezebel erected for them, and which she fed at her own table. Cruel and licentious rites were associated with the worship of Baal. Jezebel sprang from an idolatrous stock, the same source which afterward produced the greatest soldier of antiquity, Hannibal, whose temper was not more daring and unforgiving than hers.
It was this heathen woman who married Ahab, king of Northern Israel, and who in so doing was guilty of a rash and impious act which resulted in evil consequences. As a Jew, Ahab sinned against his Hebrew faith in taking as his wife the daughter of a man whose very name, Ethbaal, meant, “A Man of Baal.” How or where the strong-minded idolatrous woman and the weak and spineless king met we are not told. Doubtless seeing her, Ahab was fascinated by her beauty and forcefulness of character and fell for her, and Jezebel, ambitious and proud, eagerly seized the opportunity of sharing the throne of a king. Any man, able to resist the wiles of a beautiful but wicked woman possesses true heroism. Joseph succeeded against the lovely yet lustful wife of Potiphar, but Caesar and Antony after conquering almost the whole world, were conquered by the fair but foul Cleopatra.
Let conquerors boast
Click to expand...
Sounds like any other woman. <ok>

At least now I have been educated to be able to get the joke. :emoticon-0108-speec
 
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"President Obama said Hillary Clinton is approaching one million frequent flier miles in her job as Secretary of State. Though even that can't get her upgraded to the seat she really wants." —Jimmy Fallon
 
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit



jump out across the middle of the road.


He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the

rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal



lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .


The driver feels so awfulthat hebegins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side of the road
and pulls over.


She steps out of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my

car

and KILLED HIM."


The blonde says,"Don't worry."


She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.


The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the



two of them and hops off down the road.


Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves



again, he hops down the road another 10 feet,



turns and waves, hops another ten feet,



turns and waves, and repeats this again and again



and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,


"What is in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"


The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.It says..

(Are you ready for this?)(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,


"Hair SprayRestores life to dead hair,



and adds permanent wave."
 
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  • Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
    One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
    The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
    She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
    "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing blue suit.
 
Jigsawklopp said:
  • Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.
    One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he'd see what he could do.
    The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.
    She asks the attendant, "How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?"
    "Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband's size was brought in, and he was wearing blue suit.
Click to expand...
You missed the end off that :emoticon-0100-smile
 
Work Or Play A man wonders if having sex on Good Friday is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Good Friday."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"

He goes to minister... a married man, experienced.... for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for Good Friday! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi.

The rabbi ponders the question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The rabbi softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."
 
Near Death Experience
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.

The other day I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup, and I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse did not stop or even slow down.


Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Thank God for heroes.

 
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