Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Garlic Klopp said:
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit as were the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toasties'
Click to expand...

FFBS <doh>
 
A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners.

The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!"

From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
 
CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA …
The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced
they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2
coin in view of its demise due to global warming.
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Bowing to the dictates of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.
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The coin will now be called:


“Twofuckin’ bucks!"
 
Jigsawklopp said:
Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.
Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.
The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.
The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug.
After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!
Click to expand...

<yikes>
 
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A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
 
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kiwiqpr said:
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.
So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.
Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said,
"No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said,
"No, just up to my tits ...
I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
Click to expand...


It's true that bathing in milk makes women beautiful.
 
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! "
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
 
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds.

"Congratulations" shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.

The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Ten pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened?
He weighed 20 pounds at birth."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
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:)
 
Went into a cake shop today, but there was no prices next to any of the cakes.
The Owner explained "All my Cakes are £1".
So I picked the one I wanted and took it to the counter.
"That'll be £2 please" said the owner
"But you just said all your cakes were £1"
"They are" said the owner, "But that's Madeira Cake"
 
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Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.

Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.

"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.

His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
 
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Jigsawklopp said:
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master.

Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed.

"Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked.

His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
Click to expand...
Genius.
 
C, E-flat and G walk into a bar together. The bartender shooed them out saying "sorry we don't serve minors."

Scientists have determined the average human has one breast and one testicle.

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”

The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
 
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!'

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.'

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
 
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To me, one of the sexiest things is a glance over the shoulder, a flick of the hair and a pout of the lips followed by a seductive lick of them.
However, according to my Doctor it's totally inappropriate during a prostrate examination.
 
The Rich Hooker

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

"You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."

Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.

"Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs."

Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.

"Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."
 
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