A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied by honeymooners. The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls, yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to get some sleep!" From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"
CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA … The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming. please log in to view this image please log in to view this image Bowing to the dictates of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer. please log in to view this image The coin will now be called: “Twofuckin’ bucks!"
A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too! " "What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." "This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?" "My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!" "What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?" "I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because he announces his wife has just produced "a typical Texas baby boy weighing 20 pounds. "Congratulations" shower him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" are heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Ten pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star, wipes his lips on his shirtsleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." please log in to view this image
Went into a cake shop today, but there was no prices next to any of the cakes. The Owner explained "All my Cakes are £1". So I picked the one I wanted and took it to the counter. "That'll be £2 please" said the owner "But you just said all your cakes were £1" "They are" said the owner, "But that's Madeira Cake"
Robinson Crusoe fell desperately ill. Just before dropping into a coma, he called for his man Friday to help him. Friday, not knowing what else to do, went outside of Crusoe's tent and danced around and prayed for the gods to come and help his master. Shortly afterwards, he went back into Crusoe's tent and found his master awake and staring at a beautiful glowing shape at the foot of his bed. "Who is that?" Robinson Crusoe asked. His helper answered, "Thank Friday! It's God!"
C, E-flat and G walk into a bar together. The bartender shooed them out saying "sorry we don't serve minors." Scientists have determined the average human has one breast and one testicle. A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?” The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy 'Im gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!' He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home.' So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. 'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman. 'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.
To me, one of the sexiest things is a glance over the shoulder, a flick of the hair and a pout of the lips followed by a seductive lick of them. However, according to my Doctor it's totally inappropriate during a prostrate examination.
David Copperfield's rooftop pool spontaneously bursted while he was trying to make the chorine disappear.
The Rich Hooker A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs. "You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs." Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs. "Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs." Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed. "Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a vagina."
