Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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These were the best Christian Benteke ‘Burnleyl’ jokes as the Belgian’s Twitter announced he’d signed for them and not Crystal Palace.
On a day when the real Burnley won 2-0 against Liverpool, the club he’s just left, the typo was cause for widespread amusement.
Benteke offered this explanation for why his bio not only said he’d signed for Burnley but also spelled it incorrectly:

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Teacher asks class if Man Utd is their favourite team. Everyone says yes except for Jimmy. "What's your favourite team, Jimmy?" He says, "Liverpool." Teacher asks "Well why is that?" "Well, my dad & mom are Liverpool fans, I guess that makes me a Liverpool fan." Angry teacher says, "If your dad was a moron & your mom was an idiot, what would that make you?" He replies "Well, that would make me a Man Utd fan..
 
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence. The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, "Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?"
The two bulls laugh and reply, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
 
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Jigsawklopp said:
A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, and start eating again.
A bit later, one cow looks up just in time to see a tornado tearing through the pasture fence. The tornado knocks the cows every which way, but the bulls just rock back and forth as they are buffeted.
When the cows get back on their feet and pick the straw out of their hide, they all walk over to the bulls.
One cow says, "Why do we cows get knocked over by wind but you bulls keep standing?"
The two bulls laugh and reply, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Click to expand...
Yeah... I'm struggling on this one.
Is 'we bulls wobble' meant to sound like 'Wibble wobble'? But I don't get why thats supposed to be funny.
 
Not sure if this is the same ad. we got over here but you get the gist..............

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A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar: Cheeseburger, £2.5; Chicken Sandwich, £3.50; Handjob, £10.

Checking his wallet for cash, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to a group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile. “May I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies, “Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”
 
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his
father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow
out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to
turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and
were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
the shore."

At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
refuse to swallow the seamen."
 
Good News Bad News One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
 
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side. "When I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was to take off my trousers. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were enormous on her and she said that she couldn"t possibly wear them as they were too large. I said to her, "of course they are too large for you. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."Jack took his father"s advice to heart and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding he did the same thing. He took off his trousers and handed them to Jill and told her to try them on. When she did she said, "I can"t wear these, they"re far too large for me." "Exactly," Jack replied, "I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. I don"t want you to ever forget that." Then Jill took off her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on, Jack," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small."I can"t get into your knickers," said Jack.So Jill replied "Exactly, and if you don"t change your ****ing attitude, you never will!"
 
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