Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,
“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday

 

****e,no washing line

 

My mates wife been missing for 6 weeks now.

The police have just called and said prepare for the worst ! So he’s sent me to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!

 

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What is everyone using to scrape ice off their windscreen?

This morning I used a discount card from my wallet, but it was no good. I only got 20% off.

 

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I said to the Missus I've got a Problem.
She replied "No Babe We have a Problem.
We are a couple, we're a Unit"...
Your problem is my problem.
We are in this together
"Over whelmed with relief,
I said.... "Well it's hardly worth mentioning now"
but She was insistent on knowing,
"Darling please what is the problem??....."
" WE'VE got your sister pregnant.

 

If there's one rule I've insisted on with the wife is that she's never allowed to look inside my safe but being a typical woman she couldn't obey a simple instruction and yesterday she came storming up to me and said "I've just seen inside your safe and you have got some explaining to do! There was £10,000 in cash and three eggs in there, what on earth have you been doing?!"

I said "Well, I've got a confession to make. Since we've been married I've been unfaithful to you and each time I've slept with someone else I've put an egg in the safe"

She thought for a while and to my surprise said "Well, I suppose after 30 years of marriage three eggs isn't so bad but where did you get the ten grand from?"

I said "Well, when I get enough eggs I sell them down the farmers market for a pound a dozen"

 

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A manager at B&Q had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked,


“What is the fastest thing you know of?”

The first man replied, “A thought. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.”
“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.



“And, now you sir?” he asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”
“Excellent!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”


He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said.


Turning to Bob, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bob replied, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is Diarrhea.”


“What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Bob. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.”

Bob is now the new greeter at a B&Q near you!

 

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A horse is in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
The donkey asks, “What do you do for a living?”
The horse says, “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”
And the donkey says, “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then asks the horse “Did you win anything?”
The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger, and the Derby. And over the jumps, I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”
They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he's done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says, “Lovely place you have here, and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”
The donkey replies “That’s me when I played for Juventus...”

 

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