Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

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Just done my good deed for today!

I’ve just come back from Tescos where I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83, but when she counted out all her change, she only had just under £40.

I thought she was probably someones Nan, and I’d like to think someone would help my Nan in that situation as Christmas is just around the corner.

She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...

 

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty.
She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!
All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "Think nothing of it, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek !!"

 

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said,"Burger and Chips,please."
"Certainly sir," I replied."Are you eating in or out?"
"Do one idiot," he snapped,before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

 

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Not wanting to brag but I thought I’d share these before and after pictures of my garden to show what I’ve been up to during lockdown

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Pre flight checks before taking a holiday abroad this year.....

 

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