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Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

Discussion in 'Liverpool' started by Garlic Klopp, Jan 13, 2014.

  1. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  2. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  3. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  4. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    I walked into the hairdressers and sat down in the chair.
    On the wall there was a sign that said: £70 for a haircut.

    I gulped.

    The woman assessed my hair and said, "Hello, sir. How much would you like off?"

    I said, "About
     
    #5104
  5. LuisDiazgamechanger

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  6. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    A patient in a mental hospital saves a man from drowning
    After he saved the man's life, the doctors are impressed and think that his mental health is getting much better. They tell him that he will be completely fine in some days and will no longer have to stay in the hospital. A few days later, the doctors inform the patient that he is free to go but share some news, "you did a great thing by saving that man from drowning, but unfortunately he hung himself and died". To this the man replies, " Oh he didn't hang himself I just thought I would hang him outside so he could get dry".
     
    #5106
  7. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.
    Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge."

    "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You **** her again."
     
    #5107
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  8. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    An old geezer, who had been a retired.....
    An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
    He went to Dr. Geezer's clinic and this is what happened.
    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Aaagh! This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
    Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, that's Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak I can hardly see!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so. Here's your $1000 back."
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $500..."
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story: Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer "
     
    #5108
  9. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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    Caught my 7 year old about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard. I said."I wouldn't do that if I were you" he said "no but you'd put your willy in Aunty Sarah’s mouth while mum's at work". I said "there's some chocolate ones in the fridge"
     
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  10. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    The raw Irishman was told by the farmer for whom he worked that the
    pumpkins in the corn patch were mule's eggs, which only needed someone
    to sit on them to hatch. Pat was ambitious to own a mule, and, selecting
    a large pumpkin, he sat on it industriously every moment he could steal
    from his work. Came a day when he grew impatient, and determined to
    hasten the hatching. He stamped on the pumpkin. As it broke open, a
    startled rabbit broke from its cover in an adjacent corn shock and
    scurried across the field. Pat chased it, shouting:

    "Hi, thar! Stop! don't yez know your own father?"
     
    #5110

  11. LuisDiazgamechanger

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    The meek-looking gentleman arose hastily and offered his seat in the car
    to the self-assertive woman who had entered and glared at him. She gave
    him no thanks as she seated herself, but she spoke in a heavy voice that
    filled the whole car:

    "What are you standing up there for? Come here, and sit on my lap."

    The modest man turned scarlet as he huskily faltered:

    "I fear, madam, that I am not worthy of such an honor."

    "How dare you!" the woman boomed. "You know perfectly well I was
    speaking to my niece behind you."
     
    #5111
  12. woolstonian

    woolstonian Well-Known Member

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  13. Garlic Klopp

    Garlic Klopp Well-Known Member

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  14. LuisDiazgamechanger

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  15. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  16. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  17. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
    One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
    The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
    Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man...They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
    The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
    The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
    The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
    The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
    So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?"
    The old man said, "I thought it was a fart - but I was wrong, too..."
     
    #5117
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  18. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  19. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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  20. kiwiqpr

    kiwiqpr Barnsie Mod

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    I went to the Patent office to register some of my camping inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.
    I said, "A folding bottle."
    She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"
    "A Fottle."
    "What else do you have?"
    "I have also invented a folding carton."
    Again she said, "what do you call it?"
    "A Farton."
    She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products, and one of them sounds kind of crude."
    I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.
     
    #5120

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