Off Topic The offical: Jokes THREAD

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”

 

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One lovely day, two tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one of the tourists asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”
The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

 

I feel like I'm on the way to kicking my obsession with forestry, but my psychiatrist says I'm not out of the woods yet.

 

Buckingham Palace have advertised for a gas engineer who can also walk the dogs...

Must be corgi registered.

 

The ancient Greeks never did quite get the hang of loading the dishwasher....

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I went past an up market burger van today

It had four Michelin tyres

 

My mate was telling me that he failed his exam in Aboriginal music.

I said, "Didja redo it?"

 

Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex.....
his father sees him, but instead of saying anything, he gives Johnny a huge grin and thumbs up, then starts to really give it to the old lady. The next night, the father gets up to go to the restroom, and he hears noises coming from Johnny's room. He looks in the door, and Johnny is on top of his grandmother, really giving it to her. Johnny looks at his father, gives him a grin and says, "not so funny when it's your Mom, is it?"

 

An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometres further on, he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one-legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is this?! A few kilometres down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, "You heartless English bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo...?"

 

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I hate getting older but then I talk to 20 year olds and realise it's for the best.

 

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