"Name a terrorist organisation that Jeremy Corbyn hasn't laid a wreath for?" please log in to view this image
Harry Kane has visited Luke Shaw in the Wembley Stadium medical room. “His speech is still a bit slurred but he’s just about managing to string a sentence together,” said Luke.
Ways to look busy: 1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed 2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you 3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed 4. Get annoyed at a printer 5. Just generally look annoyed
A half truth is a whole lie. [A halbe Remez is a gantze Shecker.] If a fool knew he's a fool, he wouldn't be a fool. If a swindler looked like a swindler, he couldn't be a swindler. O, Lord, protect me from my friends. I know who my enemies are. From a pig's tail, you can't make a shtreimel. [Fon a chazirschwantz kanst du nisht machen a Shtreimel.] If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. -One old friend is better than two new ones
My wife poured coffee all over me at the breakfast table this morning. I don’t enjoy confrontation so I just ignored her. But then at work my secretary poured her piping hot tea on my head! Again, to avoid confrontation I ignored her. The last straw was when I went round to my mum’s place as she was ill, and she poured lemsip straight onto me. Honestly, women take me for a right mug. Paddy is fitting a kitchen in a posh house when the woman asks him if he’d like something to drink. Paddy accepts and soon after the woman brings him a mug of coffee. “Excellent coffee, to be sure,” says Paddy. “Thank you,” says the woman. “My husband brought it back from Brazil.” “That’s great,” says Paddy, “and it’s still warm as well!”
Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game. “I’ll ask you a question,” the scholar explained, “and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $50.” When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. “Ha!” said the scholar. “It’s 238,857 miles. Now it’s your turn.” The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour–but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. “Okay, okay, what is the answer?” the scholar asked. The man said, “I don’t know,” pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.
