I'm trying to think of the worst possible next manager, just so anything else is a bonus.
DEFCON 5: AVB. Managed at this level twice, been sacked twice for results not being good enough, the football being below standard, the team conceding too many because of a suicidal high line, and despite being sexy he speaks with a kind of deep husky trucker voice. It's creepier than Hannibal Lector reading the lines for the audiobook of Harry Potter.
DEFCON 4: PETER BEARDSLEY. Well, any of our current staff being promoted isn't exactly ideal. No experience of general management before taking a premier league job always works, doesn't it? That's why Ricky Sbraigia (or however you spell it) is still at Sunderland, that's why the natural successor to Fergie was Phelan... Just no. We at least need someone with a past history of successful tenure, and that doesn't mean somebody who has won something, that means somebody who has done a job which surpasses expectations in whatever circumstances they were in.
DEFCON 3:GLENN HODDLE. As above, I say Glenn, but this is for ALL players/managers who have been out of the game. I really don't care if they've been spending every waking second pouring over annuals and tactics diagrams, interviewing players, spewing some ****e as a pundit, since they put away the boots or managed a club, if they've been out of the game for 5 years, maybe even as little as 2, then their experience and talents are irrelevant. Think of all the times someone has come back to management after a prolonged period away, how often has it been a success? The game evolves beyond them, and despite the fact they could be commentating on a game every weekend, they will inevitably stick to their old fashioned, out-dated ideas when they get the job.
DEFCON 2: COLOCCINI. Any player given the additional responsibility of management will go to ****. We've seen they can barely handle simply playing football well at times, so why would we do this to them? Most modern managers put in an incredible shift, they have to. Pouring over videos of the opposition, videos of their own team, working out training schedules, tactics, board meetings... There's no lazy football managers, or none that will ever succeed, I'll leave it as that.
It's not even a cheap option like you'd imagine. I'm pretty sure if Ashley knocked on a player's door, their agent is going to be slightly less into rough anal sexy times than Pardew's, and it'll be a very expensive conversation.
And as the final nail in this particular coffin, however romantic the notions flying around in your head, being managed during a playing career by great managers does not make a footballer a great manager. At best it'll make them a dressing room copycat, and probably copying said outdated ideas.
DEFCON 1: JOE KINNEAR. Any ****ing twatting fannying prickfacing explanation needed arseholes?
Colo = Laughable 
