None Footy - Jokes Thread

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An old man and an old woman sit in the park everyday.
They're too old to have sex...
so she just holds his cock for an hour or so.
This happens every day, till one day he's not there. She goes to look for him and there he is, on another bench with another old woman holding his cock...
She gets very jealous and asks,
"What the **** has she got that I haven't? "
He replies, "Parkinson's."
 
A terminally ill Brummie decides to go over to the clinic in Switzerland to end his suffering. He stays over night in a hotel and heads to the clinic the following morning. While he's sat in the waiting room the lady sitting next to him says 'Did you come here to die?' he says 'No, i got here yesterday'.
 
I just rung my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the Tsunami and all he did was go on about his social life.

Just kept going on and on about a huge rave
 
Following the revelations about Charlie Sheen's drug problems doctors are said to be keen to carry out tests to better understand his condition. Apparently they're amazed he's still walking and talking after reports said he'd taken enough cocaine to kill two and a half men.
 
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999. Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please
calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
!!!BANG!!!
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
 
Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby, "I must confess I was a hooker!"
He says, "Thats ok! Your past is your past, but I must admit, I find it quite erotic! Tell me about it". She says, "My name was Dave & I played for Wigan Warriors!"
 
Old lady in a lift in a shopping mall when two footballers wives enter, the door closes & one wife raises her wrist to the other wife and says "chanel no 5 , 75 pounds, selfridges" the other wife does same and says" gucci 90 pounds, harrods" the old lady lifts one leg rips a fart & says "sprouts 79p asda"
 
Ranjeet was tryin to get into the uk legally. The officer said, "U have to pass a test to enter. U have to make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Ranjeet replied, "The telephone goes GREEN GREEN GREEN GREEN and I PINK it up and say YELLOW." Ranjeet now works at a call centre near you !
 
A couple had not been married for long, when the husband
came home one day to find that his hot bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for
his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared, the man returned home
to find her in the kitchen preparing some food. He asked her
what she had been up to and why she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied, "These four hot men kidnapped me and had wild,
wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered, "But it's only been two days! What
do you mean a whole week?"
She answered, "I just came back to get something to f****n' eat."
 
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650."

"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
 
elrooj said:
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650."

"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
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:emoticon-0120-doh::emoticon-0140-rofl::emoticon-0140-rofl::emoticon-0140-rofl::emoticon-0136-giggl:emoticon-0178-rock::emoticon-0103-cool:
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
 
elrooj said:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once.."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him
Click to expand...

A man goes to the doctors and says to his elderly patient. "I'm afraid I've got two lots of bad news. Firstly, you've got cancer". "Crikey says the man, what's the second?" The doctor replies, "you've also got Alzheimer's". "Oh well", replies the patient "at least it's not cancer"!
 
A bloke comes in from work and sees his son sat on the settee, grinning from ear to ear. "What the **** are you looking so happy about?" asks his dad.

"Well, you know that 16 year old bird next door, I ****ed her senseless this afternoon" says the lad.

"****ing hell, well done son" says his dad " I hope you were wearing something though"

"****ing right I was" says the lad, "A balaclava".
 
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